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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know that one day you'll have to tell your family you're not really a chicken, but for now they really need the eggs.
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