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Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
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Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know that one day you'll have to tell your family you're not really a chicken, but for now they really need the eggs.

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