Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know that one day you'll have to tell your family you're not really a chicken, but for now they really need the eggs.