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Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Horoscope for the week of June 11, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You never thought you'd laugh at the old pie-in-the-face gag again, but that was before they could accelerate pie to the speed of light.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The residents of Tulsa will make you pay for every dollar of damage you've caused, but they're not heartless, so they'll let you keep the bison.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your visit to the country will inspire the coining of a new folk saying, "Some days you calm the beast, some days you free the cowboy."
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Running for mayor might not seem too realistic, but just wait until they get a load of your new suit.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    From Thursday forward, your name will be mentioned every time flaming corn dogs rain down from the sky.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    There are, in fact, good and evil twins, but a greater range of moral choices is available to you as a sextuplet.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Just so you know, it isn't still called "running away from home" when you're 31.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Things will be back to normal in a couple weeks, but your current tick infestation is just the beginning.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This week's smorgasbord of nudity and bullfighting will erase all remaining doubts about your ability to be a network TV programmer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The prosecuting attorney will be ruthless, relentless, and efficient in exposing your crimes, but at one point you'll be able to see right down her blouse.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This week marks the four-year anniversary of your solemn oath to develop a lifestyle that is in no way influenced by Sandy Duncan.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You know that one day you'll have to tell your family you're not really a chicken, but for now they really need the eggs.

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