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As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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