adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close