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Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.

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