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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.

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