adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

Top Headlines

Recent News

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of June 12, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll learn the hard way that you shouldn't attempt to attract the attention of dimwitted coworkers carrying extension ladders.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Next week, Death shall tire of his burden and lay down his scythe for a day to spend time among mortals, but he won't be able to resist doing you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Years of practice can give yoga devotees the ability to touch their toes to the backs of their necks, but you'll achieve the same thing by drinking pesticides.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You may be as big as a house, but carpet and room deodorizer still can't take the place of conventional deodorant.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will come tantalizingly close to achieving your life's ambition when you're placed next to the "center square."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You thought you were that tragic, romantic ideal, a man with nothing left to lose, but you somehow forgot about your pants.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your life of devout and committed Buddhism will come to nothing when, after the tragic events of next Tuesday, you are reincarnated as a Catholic.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll never understand why it is that every time you've almost finished a bottle of whiskey, it breaks itself over your head and runs off with your wallet.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your new girlfriend is not actually so sweet you could use her shit for toothpaste, but that won't stop you from trying.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your habit of faking an Irish accent to get attention is even more pathetic considering you're a lifelong resident of Dublin.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your determination to be the last man standing will be the deciding factor in a life-or-death game of musical chairs.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    No matter how hard you try, nothing you ever do or achieve will please Alec Baldwin.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close