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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of June 13, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.

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