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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Horoscope for the week of June 13, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.

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