Horoscope for the week of June 13, 2001

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

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Horoscope for the week of June 13, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.
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