Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your decision to put on a show to save the old malt shop will result in your arrest for public nudity, indecent behavior, and violation of six health codes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate that this is a good time to start new projects. At the same time, your neighbor's dog indicates it's a good time to kill young couples.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The story of your life has been quiet so far, but don't worry: They've decided to cut out a bunch of boring exposition and get right to the final bloody chase scene.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your decision to go back to nature conveniently ignores the fact that you're not from nature, but Los Angeles.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Being a parent is a new challenge every day. The specific challenge next Monday is explaining why you had to nail the puppies to the ceiling-fan blades.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
After sleeping with someone who is not your spouse, you will suffer horrible guilt, which would be understandable if you were married.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You're known as a really decent character. This is because you are a D&D character named Gryth The Decent.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
James Joyce's Ulysses put forth the idea that every one of us is a hero just for getting through an average day in our lives. Congratulations, hero.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's said that life is like a bowl of cherries. But for most people, the metaphor breaks down faster than it does for you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.
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