Horoscope for the week of June 15, 2005

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Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Most Likely Candidates For Clinton’s Cabinet

If elected president, Hillary Clinton will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising her on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Clinton’s inner circle.

Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way.

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Horoscope for the week of June 15, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    G. Gordon Liddy will be busy with media appearances this week, leaving him with no time to hunt you down and eat you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Maybe in your next life, you'll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation's firefighters thank God daily.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You swore you'd make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you'll have a favorite stock-car racer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sometimes, life's smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.


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