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Horoscope for the week of June 15, 2005

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of June 15, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You and your entire family will be granted the power of flight by conniving sky-gods who merely want to create additional safety problems for the airline industry.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    G. Gordon Liddy will be busy with media appearances this week, leaving him with no time to hunt you down and eat you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    In a certain light, from just the right angle, you will begin to bear an uncanny resemblance to Abe Lincoln.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Maybe in your next life, you'll believe the Zodiac when it tells you to cut the red wire.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Secretly tape-recording your private conversations is something you might be able to forgive, but not splitting the profits of their sale with you is a different thing entirely.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your desperation to escape the buses that are constantly hitting you will force you to build a time machine, which will deposit you just downhill from where an early Homo sapien is attaching the first four wheels on a huge hollow log.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll be prevented from joining the Army's elite paratrooper unit, which seems unfair, given your years of experience jumping out of things while holding guns.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There are very few people who respond to a well-prepared spaghetti carbonara in the same way you do, a fact for which the nation's firefighters thank God daily.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Jupiter will enter your sign at a very delicate moment this week, causing it to blush, stammer an apology, and back out.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You swore you'd make real attempts to become a better, more well-rounded human being, but by the end of the week, you'll have a favorite stock-car racer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Sometimes, life's smallest changes are the most important, as evidenced by the microscopic cancer cells currently entwining the base of your spinal column.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    It's true people only pay attention to you because of your enormous breasts, but cut them some slack. Most people only have two, and theirs are relegated to their chest.

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