Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 23

Nation's Experts Give Up

WASHINGTON, DC—After years of frustration over being misunderstood or simply ignored, experts in every field tendered their resignation.

Senior Citizen Shaken By Diminished Bawdy-Limerick Recall

OCALA, FL—Retiree Henry Sims, straining to remember the one about the lady from China, was deeply shaken Tuesday by his fading bawdy-limerick recall. "Last week, I blanked on the one about the man from Keokuk," the 79-year-old said. "And now this." Sims said he could visualize the Chinese woman and the popsicle, but couldn't recall the accompanying rhyming verse. "Can you imagine that?" Sims said. "Me, Hank, forgetting a classic."

Clinton Vetoes Bill For Reason He Can't Put His Finger On

WASHINGTON, DC—Citing a variety of vague misgivings he "can't quite explain," President Clinton vetoed Monday H.R. 1556, a bill that would have provided tax breaks to corporations that offer maternity-leave packages to female employees. "I don't know, it's just sort of hard to put into words," Clinton said following the veto. "It's weird, but something about this bill just didn't seem right. I know I should be, but for some reason, I'm just not into it."

Report: Media Coverage Of Bear Attacks May Be Biased

NEW YORK—According to a report released Monday by the media-watchdog group Fairness and Accuracy In Reporting, U.S. media coverage of bear attacks is biased, with 98 percent of such reports taking the side of the attacked humans. "The media in this country are blatantly anti-bear," FAIR director Lynette Pierce said. "Virtually every time a bear is taunted, harassed or provoked into lashing out at humans, the bear is depicted in the media as the aggressor." The report went on to state that out of the 411 cases of bear-human conflicts in the last year, humans were victorious in 410 cases.

Overweight Man Repeatedly Introduced To Overweight Woman At Party

ALTOONA, PA—Over the course of a five-hour party Saturday, 315-pound Gene Cooper was introduced to 288-pound Cynthia Lerman nine times. "Once or twice an hour, someone would come over to tell me that there's someone at the party they think I'd really like," Cooper said. According to partygoers, Lerman is a real sweet gal, and she and Cooper would probably find they have a lot in common.

Birthplace Of President Carter Accidentally Visited

PLAINS, GA—Lost en route to Albany, GA, vacationing couple Mark and Celia Winocur of Phoenix inadvertently visited the birthplace of former president Jimmy Carter Monday. "We got off at the wrong exit and were trying to get back on the highway when we started seeing all these signs," Mark said. "I figured they led back to I-95, but somehow we wound up right in front of the house where Jimmy Carter was born.'" After buying a road map at Miller's General Store, where the 39th president first learned the value of a dollar as a young boy, the Winocurs were once again on their way to their intended destination.

Depression & The Second Lady

Last week, former clinical-depression sufferer Tipper Gore held a conference at the White House to raise awareness of mental illness, from which she said 50 million Americans suffer. What do you think about Gore's effort to draw attention to mental health?
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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
  • Libra

    Libra

    Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.
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