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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Surprises

Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.

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