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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.

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