Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.


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