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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.

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