Aries | March 21 to April 19
You need to achieve a sense of balance in life. If not, elemental forces beyond your control will send you constantly crashing to the ground.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Nobody takes what you say seriously. Consider using expressive hand gestures.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars hope you enjoyed this week’s journey over water. Next week on Gemini: celebrity make-overs!
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your efforts to achieve notoriety by streaking in public has yet to bear fruit. Try doing it naked.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be given reason this week to doubt the Biblical saying, "Half a dried goat carcass is better than none at all."
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Due to the decline in September birthdays, Virgo has been forced to supplement its income by selling advertising space. Thousands see this space each week... Your ad could be here!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Despite singing, baking cookies and shopping, you won’t be able to get into the Christmas spirit this week.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will emerge from the turmoil of next week a changed man, mostly because of your new set of giant mandibles.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The sight of Pluto in your sign means that someone has very sharp eyes: Any astrologer knows that Pluto can’t be seen with the naked eye!
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Capricorns are dynamic, ambitious and outgoing, which makes it kind of strange that you're such a goddamned pussy.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A new mantra might aid in your personal healing process. This time, choose one that won't deeply offend passersby.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
As you emerge from this time of seclusion, your sensual self re-emerges. But try to do a better job of hiding it from the Animal Control Board.
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