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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.

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