Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 24

New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World's Hydrogen By 2070

DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth's supply of hydrogen by 2070. "America has asked for a car that does not use fossil fuels, and we've delivered," Ford CEO William Ford Jr. said Monday. "With an engine nearly 20 times as powerful as that of our gas-burning SUV, the 11-ton Foresight will be unaffected by the price-gouging whims of OPEC, as it uses water electrolysis to gather fuel from the oceans and the fresh mountain air." Ford acknowledged that, when hydrogen supplies are depleted, the usefulness of the Foresight, as well as life on earth as we know it, will end.

No One Notices Area Man's Marginal Attempts To Change

MIDLAND, TX—No one in Jacob Grant's life has noticed his minor attempts to become a "more thoughtful and considerate person," the new-and-improved man reported Monday. "I'm just asking for a little recognition," said Grant, who in the past week purchased a pack of cigarettes for a friend, complimented his girlfriend's new haircut, and allowed his brother to eat the last samosa. "After all, it's not like I particularly enjoy holding elevator doors open." Despite the lack of positive feedback, Grant said he plans to give his new plan at least another day or two.

Cryptozoologist Falls For It Again

LUBBOCK, TX—Will Reiser, an expert in the field of unsubstantiated creatures, was duped again Tuesday, when he said he'd finally found proof of the existence of the elusive Chupacabra, a quill-covered creature that feasts on the blood of livestock. "The right shank of the goat carcass I discovered on my doorstep bore the Chupacabra's distinctive cross-hatched fang pattern," Reiser said. "I have to say I'm surprised that the quills poking out of the body so closely resemble those of the hedgehog indigenous to this area." Reiser's next-door neighbor, Dan Swelter, is currently laughing his ass off.

Report: 9/11 Commission Could Have Been Prevented

WASHINGTON, DC—According to key members of the Bush Administration, the tragic proceedings of the 9/11 commission, which devastated the political lives of numerous government officials, could have been averted with preventive action in 2002 and 2003.

We Have Confirmation That Someone Has Tested A Thanatos Device

Thank you for seeing us on such short notice, sir. Please take a seat. Coffee? Brandy? My humidor is open to you, if you wish. I apologize for taking you away from your family with so little warning, but events have overtaken us—events which, as you'll soon see, involve our entire organization. Sir, what I am about to tell you is known by only 11 people in the Western world—the seven of us in this room, the Acting Director, and the three pertinent members of the Staff Council. Though I know you to be circumspect and discreet, I'm afraid this is no ordinary intelligence briefing. The issue at hand is beyond the scope of even our long-term Global Strategy 7. If you'd like to sit down, we'll begin.

Memorializing Reagan

People around the world have spent the last week and a half honoring Ronald Reagan. What were some of the events?

Internet Pedophilia Crackdown

A multinational police team plans to patrol Internet chatrooms as part of a crackdown on child pornography and pedophilia. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
  • Leo

    Leo

    A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.
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