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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.

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