Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

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Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of June 16, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're about to learn that words can hurt, especially those written in the Demon Alphabet of Foul Khal-Ru the Soul-Drinker.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll be violated hundreds of times by out-of-control alcoholics, but it's to be expected, considering that you're the local ordinance against drunk and disorderly conduct.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Depression will wash over you exactly like a great wave this week, leaving sand everywhere you don't want it.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Right about now, you're probably dying to know what all has happened since you fell asleep last Valentine's Day.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A dark time in your life will come to a sudden end after an unexpected, drastic improvement in Ronald Reagan's condition.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'd long given up any hope, but a voice from your past will inform you that it is indeed okay for you to have the rest of the cottage cheese.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It has always been difficult for you to say you're sorry, but you will face your greatest challenge this Thursday, when wasps build a nest in your larynx.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You claim that you never asked for this crap, but there's your signature, plain as day, on all the crap-request forms.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll learn an important lesson about violence this week—specifically, what can happen when you're not very good at it.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your kissing booth will raise a lot of money for charity, but you're about to see more asses than you ever knew existed.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The weird and sometimes unfriendly looks you'll receive on your bus ride through the South are perhaps the only downside to your new hobby as a Civil Rights re-enactor.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Everyone warned you that nothing good would come of dishonesty, but you're perfectly happy with all the mediocre stuff that did.


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