Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Business

Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.