Aries | March 21 to April 19
The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.
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