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In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

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The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.
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