adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Originality

Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close