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Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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Horoscope for the week of June 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The tragic events of this week teach you that there’s more to being in a convoy than screaming the lyrics to "Convoy" while driving your Miata.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your fear that the CIA is controlling your mind is quelled when you receive a soothing mental transmission from agency director George J. Tenet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    There will be just one major event in your life this week, but it will probably be both embarrassing and fatal.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The stars say that very little will happen to you involving horse-drawn carts, the solution to Fermat’s last theorem, or the Swiss consulate. Perhaps the stars are playing it a little safe this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your suspicion that your spouse has been sexually active with other men deepens when you wake up in the middle of the night to find a dozen sated, sweaty longshoremen in bed with you both.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your date with that rich, good-looking executive will go fine until he notices that your legs are cheap, plastic imitations.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will soon encounter a philosophical message on a T-shirt or bumper sticker that will change your life.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If it is your birthday this week, you have only been pretending to be a Scorpio. Shame on you! Shame!
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Conventional wisdom says that no one ever died of a broken heart, but there has never been anything remotely conventional about you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will die unhappy and dissatisfied after failing to discover why Oliver Twist isn't in the final third of Dickens' book of the same name.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your astrological sign indicates that primitive people once assigned anthropomorphic shapes to the stars.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your new co-worker is secretly plotting against you. Beware—if she finds out you are actually a vampire, all is lost.

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