Aries | March 21 to April 19
A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.
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