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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.

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