Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

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Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.