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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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