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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.
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