Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 21

Model Railroading A Harsh Mistress

UTICA, NY—Tom Collins, a 49-year-old data technician and father of seven, announced Monday that model railroading is a harsh mistress. "Model railroading, like the Sea, can be a kind lady, but make no mistake, she can also be a cold and angry harpy," Collins said. "In times of yore, men tested their mettle against the Sea, but in these modern times, a man proves his virility one way only: building, maintaining and running a model-railroad set-up in his garage or den." Collins advised using Testor's-brand epoxy glue for miniature trees and letting them dry for at least 24 hours.

Area Teens Find Once-In-A-Lifetime Love

VALDOSTA, GA—Despite living in a harsh, unaccepting world in which their dads won't let them have the car past 11 p.m. on Fridays, area teens Brianna Fahey and Kurt Mulroney have found true, once-in-a-lifetime love in each other. "We have something that many never find, no matter how long they look: our soulmates," the teens, who have been officially 'going out' since May, said Thursday. "No other love could ever be as special as ours." When asked what was so special about their relationship, Fahey said, "I totally love Karl. He wants to have sex all the time, and I even want to let him. That kind of connection only happens when it's true love." The couple expects their first baby in approximately eight months.

Rat Fancy Magazine Fails To Catch On

NEW YORK—Despite massive market-saturation and advance promotion, the first three issues of Rat Fancy, a new monthly magazine devoted to rats and the people who love them, has failed to generate the level of consumer interest necessary to continue publishing, editor Frankie DelGabrio said Monday. "Despite being packed with rat photos, true-life stories about rats, and helpful rat-care tips, it somehow hasn't found its audience," DelGabrio said. "The June issue, which features a precious, full-color centerfold of a hungry rat family approaching a sleeping baby in its crib, will sadly be the magazine's last." Added DelGabrio, "I love sweet, cuddly rats with all my heart."

Rupert Murdoch Acquires Cable

LOS ANGELES—Media-industry giant Rupert Murdoch made perhaps his most significant move ever Monday, acquiring cable for his L.A.-area mansion for an estimated $35 a month. "This puts me in strong TV-watching position well into the next century," said Murdoch, who, according to a Wall Street Journal report, also paid a $50 hook-up fee as part of the deal. "With some 50 channels now in my possession, my vast media empire cannot be rivaled." Murdoch acquired the stations by using his vast holdings and market influence as leverage against his local cable provider, who, sources say, approved the deal within four to five seconds. Murdoch promised that the cable acquisition will pave the way for "a historic ass-couch merger."

U.S. Anachronism At 'All Time High,' Says Truman

INDEPENDENCE, MO—At a press conference Monday, former president Harry S Truman declared that U.S. anachronism levels are at "an all-time high." Responding to the recent rash of jitterbugging, British taxation without representation, and talk of the Teapot Dome scandal, the deceased leader called on all citizens to "join me and Bess in saving up scrap iron for the war so our boys over there can drive the Spanish back." Truman also urged citizens to use caution when using whale-blubber-burning oil lamps.

Bill Gates Grants Self 18 Dexterity, 20 Charisma

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft head Bill Gates, already considered by many to be among the most powerful men in the world, further increased his powers Monday, augmenting several of his key statistics to near-immortal levels.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Horoscope for the week of June 18, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    A bizarre incident involving a bullwhip and an unusually strong over-the-counter laxative results in your having to make a heartfelt apology to a rickshaw driver.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Award-winning South African author Nadine Gordimer will approach you in your bathroom and recommend a different brand of dental floss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Last week's horoscope will remain in effect until further notice due to the death of Gemini supervisor Ron Wu.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your prized collection of Hagar The Horrible cartoons will result in your being beaten to within an inch of your life by the other inmates.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You can hear them talking about you, even if they don't think you can hear them. Don't let them get any of your precious cookies! Don’t let them!
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    During the moon's transit of Virgo, you should be thinking in terms of pan-fried walleye, fresh wild rice with snow peas, and corn on the cob.
  • Libra

    Libra

    If you shave your eyebrows while Mars is still in Libra's third quadrant, it will make you irresistible to calligraphy enthusiasts.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be the envy of all Ireland when the King of the Leprechauns chooses you to replace the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Congratulations on 15 straight years of breathing through a snorkel.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Gourmet magazine will risk a libel lawsuit when it describes your flesh as "tough, bland and overcooked."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will be desired by teenagers everywhere after being remixed by DJ Shadow.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Though you have the technology necessary to make a delicious lemon cake, you will not have the wisdom to share it peacefully.
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