adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close