Aries | March 21 to April 19
You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.
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