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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.
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