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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.

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