Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 23

Woman Checks Terror-Alert Level Before Leaving For Work

FORT DODGE, IA—As she does every morning, local resident Wendy Trotter, 33, consulted the Department of Homeland Security web site Tuesday to check the terror-alert level before leaving for work. "I like to leave the house prepared," said Trotter, a cashier at a local Cub Foods. "I'd hate to assume that the level is still Elevated, only to find myself caught in a High-level situation. And if I didn't check, how would I know whether I need to coordinate necessary security efforts with federal, state, and local law enforcement and begin contingency procedures by moving to an alternate venue?"

Banks Introduce 75-Cent Surcharge For Using Word 'Bank'

NEW YORK—Executives from the nation's 50 largest banks announced Monday that, effective July 1, all customers will be assessed a 75-cent surcharge each time they use the word "bank." "Now, each time a customer uses the word 'bank' in either its spoken or written form, 75 cents will be automatically deducted from his or her account," said Kenneth Nordland, 54, president of the American Banking Association. "For instance, if you say, 'I bank with Bank of America,' that would cost you $1.50." Nordland added that customers wishing to avoid the penalty are encouraged to use the alternate phrase "financial institution."

Christ Returns For Some Of His Old Things

JERUSALEM—After being away for nearly two millennia, Jesus Christ triumphantly returned Monday to pick up some of His old belongings. "I realize this isn't exactly how the world's Christians were imagining it, but I left a really comfortable pair of sandals in Galilee, and I wanted them back," said Christ, who died for our sins. "Also, I'm pretty sure I lent [Apostle] Simon Peter my best goblet at the Last Supper." This marks Christ's first return since 76 A.D., when he thought he'd forgotten to turn off his coffee pot.

Father's Day Gift Way Shittier Than Mother's Day Gift

TOPEKA, KS—For the seventh year in a row, the Father's Day gift that Robert Frankel, 48, received from his children Sunday was way shittier than the Mother's Day gift his wife received five weeks earlier. "Wow, thanks, Marc and Erica, they're great," Frankel said, as he unwrapped a $9 pair of padded socks. "These should really keep me warm." The gift, which stood in sharp contrast to the $85 day-spa gift certificate the children lovingly gave their mother on May 11, was presented without a card.

U.S. Refuses To Allow U.N. Weapons Inspectors Back Into Iraq

BAGHDAD, IRAQ—For the third time in as many weeks, U.S. officials denied U.N. weapons inspectors' request to reenter Iraq. "Thanks so much for the offer, but we can handle it from here," Lt. Gen. William Wallace told U.N. chief inspector Hans Blix. "We're getting very close to finding Saddam's massive WMD stockpile, and to have the U.N. get involved at this point would just complicate matters. Sorry." U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan has given President Bush a June 28 deadline to let inspectors into Iraq.

GOP Reports Record Second-Quarter Profits

WASHINGTON, DC–At a stockholders meeting Monday, the Republican Party announced record profits for the second quarter of 2003, exceeding analysts' expectations by more than 20 cents per share.
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Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.
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