Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

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Recent News

City Adds Some Big Concrete Stairs

They’re For Sitting On Or Running Up Or Something

CHICAGO—Noting the structure’s considerable size and prominent location in a busy public park, local residents confirmed Tuesday that the city had installed some big concrete stairs that were probably for sitting on or running up or something like that.

How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Real Estate

Horoscope for the week of June 18, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You're the first to admit you have problems of your own, but you can't seem to shake your obsession with TV's drunken weathermen.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Witnesses will later testify that you did, in fact, ask the salesman about the Colombian necktie, and to demonstrate how one was worn.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    A concert tour of the nation's high-security prisons seemed like a nice idea, but you probably should've gotten the wardens' permission first.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It may need clarifying that when you said you loved your spouse more than life itself, you didn't mean yours.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll wake from dreams of eating a giant marshmallow to find you've ax-murdered six people in your sleep, but the two things don't seem to be related.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though several Lego models of yourself have been constructed, you're not really happy with any of them.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be one of your more effective threats.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be committed to 11 long years of marriage for a bloody murder you did not commit.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your amazing gift for cloying preachiness and bad timing continues this week when a blind orphan girl helps you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Things will slowly start returning to normal in your life, which is not really a good thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    This is the last chance to renew your subscription to Aquarius. Act now to ensure uninterrupted access to this valuable business, entertainment, and predicting tool.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your habit of taking the easy way out will finally end this week, but only because you don't have the guts to hang yourself.