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Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

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CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though it feels as if you'll live your whole life without anyone ever appreciating you, don't give up yet. There's still more than a week left.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You still haven't had any luck finding someone who doesn't make undignified noises, strange faces, or jerky movements during orgasm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: When using a chisel gouge, use the bevel and not the shank to make your cuts, go perpendicular to the grain, and strap the nurse down tight.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Disappointment is yours when you overestimate the power of the human spirit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The thing that finally sends you over the edge turns out to be your missing the season finale of Witchblade.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon find yourself in the midst of a power struggle, as two corrupt and ruthless families fight for control of a small town. Whatever you do, don't trust the drunken undertaker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the job of lead singer always goes to the guy with the best hair.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have one of the worst days of your life next week. However, since it's one of several thousand worst days of your life, it's not all that significant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn that the downside to taking the easy way out isn't that bad, after all.

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