Aries | March 21 to April 19
No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Though it feels as if you'll live your whole life without anyone ever appreciating you, don't give up yet. There's still more than a week left.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You still haven't had any luck finding someone who doesn't make undignified noises, strange faces, or jerky movements during orgasm.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Remember: When using a chisel gouge, use the bevel and not the shank to make your cuts, go perpendicular to the grain, and strap the nurse down tight.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Disappointment is yours when you overestimate the power of the human spirit.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The thing that finally sends you over the edge turns out to be your missing the season finale of Witchblade.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll soon find yourself in the midst of a power struggle, as two corrupt and ruthless families fight for control of a small town. Whatever you do, don't trust the drunken undertaker.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the job of lead singer always goes to the guy with the best hair.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will have one of the worst days of your life next week. However, since it's one of several thousand worst days of your life, it's not all that significant.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will learn that the downside to taking the easy way out isn't that bad, after all.
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