Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 23

Golf Tips

Warm weather is here, and it's time to hit the links. Here are some tips to help you improve your game:

Lottery Loser Angry At Lottery Winner

HARRISBURG, PA—Winona Culvert, a loser in Monday's $113 million Pennsylvania Lottery, expressed anger at Mechanicsburg electrician Clint Furlow, who took home the jackpot after buying a single ticket on a whim. "Who the hell does that asshole think he is?" said Culvert upon seeing the news report of Furlow's victory. "I bought 40 tickets." Culvert added that she needs the prize money far more than Furlow, as she has been on public assistance for the past two years.

U.S. Middlemen Demand Protection From Being Cut Out

WASHINGTON, DC—Some 20,000 members of the Association of American Middlemen marched on the National Mall Monday, demanding protection from such out-cutting shopping options as online purchasing, factory-direct catalogs, and outlet malls. "Each year in this country, thousands of hard-working middlemen are cut out," said Pete Hume, a Euclid, OH, waterbed retailer. "No one seems to care that our livelihood is being taken away from us." Hume said the AAM is eager to work with legislators to find alternate means of passing the savings on to you.

Sympathy Card Signed By Assistant

KANSAS CITY, MO—A sympathy card from Walters Realty president Bob Merritt to the wife of recently deceased realtor Jim Nolfo was chosen, signed, and mailed by Merritt's personal assistant Monday. "Please know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time," the assistant wrote on Merritt's behalf. Merritt, who did not see the card at any time during the three hours it spent in the Walters Realty office, did not add, "Let me know if I can help in any way."

Area Man Thinking About Getting One Of Those All-Body Scans

AUGUSTA, GA—Impressed by the technology, Dan Cirillo is thinking about getting an all-body imaging scan, the 45-year-old Augusta man revealed Monday. "Wow, that looks pretty cool," said Cirillo, who saw the device on CBS' 48 Hours. "I'd love to get one of those." Cirillo then wondered aloud whether he could get a scan and a similarly cool watertank-immersion body-fat measurement on the same day.

You Must Romance The Music Out Of The Tambourine

My lord, what are you doing? Your crude handling of that beautiful instrument borders on the obscene! You cannot carelessly strike a tambourine and expect it to sing its beautiful song. You must coax it out of her. You must romance the music out of the tambourine.

CEO Resignations

Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski is the latest in a string of corporate chiefs to step down amid scandal allegations.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Comedy

Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Though it feels as if you'll live your whole life without anyone ever appreciating you, don't give up yet. There's still more than a week left.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You still haven't had any luck finding someone who doesn't make undignified noises, strange faces, or jerky movements during orgasm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Remember: When using a chisel gouge, use the bevel and not the shank to make your cuts, go perpendicular to the grain, and strap the nurse down tight.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Disappointment is yours when you overestimate the power of the human spirit.
  • Libra

    Libra

    The thing that finally sends you over the edge turns out to be your missing the season finale of Witchblade.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll soon find yourself in the midst of a power struggle, as two corrupt and ruthless families fight for control of a small town. Whatever you do, don't trust the drunken undertaker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the job of lead singer always goes to the guy with the best hair.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will have one of the worst days of your life next week. However, since it's one of several thousand worst days of your life, it's not all that significant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will learn that the downside to taking the easy way out isn't that bad, after all.
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