Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though it feels as if you'll live your whole life without anyone ever appreciating you, don't give up yet. There's still more than a week left.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You still haven't had any luck finding someone who doesn't make undignified noises, strange faces, or jerky movements during orgasm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: When using a chisel gouge, use the bevel and not the shank to make your cuts, go perpendicular to the grain, and strap the nurse down tight.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Disappointment is yours when you overestimate the power of the human spirit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The thing that finally sends you over the edge turns out to be your missing the season finale of Witchblade.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon find yourself in the midst of a power struggle, as two corrupt and ruthless families fight for control of a small town. Whatever you do, don't trust the drunken undertaker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the job of lead singer always goes to the guy with the best hair.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have one of the worst days of your life next week. However, since it's one of several thousand worst days of your life, it's not all that significant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn that the downside to taking the easy way out isn't that bad, after all.