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Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of June 19, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    No one will believe that the threats and angry demands for payment in the ransom note were meant as an elaborate joke.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Though it feels as if you'll live your whole life without anyone ever appreciating you, don't give up yet. There's still more than a week left.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You still haven't had any luck finding someone who doesn't make undignified noises, strange faces, or jerky movements during orgasm.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Remember: When using a chisel gouge, use the bevel and not the shank to make your cuts, go perpendicular to the grain, and strap the nurse down tight.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The wheels of fate have begun the inexorable turning that will one day lead to your bitter divorce from Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Plaxico Burress.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Disappointment is yours when you overestimate the power of the human spirit.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The thing that finally sends you over the edge turns out to be your missing the season finale of Witchblade.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll soon find yourself in the midst of a power struggle, as two corrupt and ruthless families fight for control of a small town. Whatever you do, don't trust the drunken undertaker.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but the job of lead singer always goes to the guy with the best hair.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will have one of the worst days of your life next week. However, since it's one of several thousand worst days of your life, it's not all that significant.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A bizarre series of events will lead to your selling real estate in a small town in New Jersey.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will learn that the downside to taking the easy way out isn't that bad, after all.

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