Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 21

Celebrity Killed In Mid-Air 747 Collision

LOS ANGELES—Actor Conrad Janis, best known as Pam Dawber's father on the popular television program Mork & Mindy, is believed among the deceased in a mid-air collision of two filled-to-capacity Delta Boeing 747s Monday which left no survivors. Janis, who co-starred as Fred McConnell on the ABC sitcom from 1978 to 1982, was approximately 45 miles from the Pacific Coast when the tragic accident occurred. Janis, 71, also appeared in numerous films, most recently in 1996's The Cable Guy. While a search of the ticketing database has not yet determined whether any of the other 836 passengers were celebrities, the FAA has promised a full inquiry into Janis' death.

Daddy Hitting Mommy With A Chair This Time

MURFREESBORO, TN—Noises coming from the living room indicate that Daddy is hitting Mommy with a chair this time, way-back-in-the-closet sources reported Tuesday. Use of the chair—a departure from Daddy's normal yelling, hitting and kicking routine—was attributed to the existence of all the dishes in the F-word sink, as well as various other complaints. During the incident, Daddy also raised allegations of marital infidelity, which Mommy categorically denied.

Money Continues To Pour In To Some Undesignated Far-Off Point Somewhere

FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE—With the U.S. economy booming for the ninth straight year, money continues to pour into some undesignated far-off point somewhere, resulting in an increased standard of living for someone or another, common logic indicates. "I heard America is experiencing the greatest period of prosperity and fiscal health since the '50s," said steel-mill worker Devin Tumbusch of Philadelphia, who has not received a raise in four years. "I don't know who's benefitting from all this financial growth, but, wherever they may be, good for them." The widespread economic stability is expected to greatly benefit a whole bunch of people whom someone else knows.

Down With The League Of Nations

This blasted League Of Nations folly is about what I'd expect from that devious bastard President Wilson, meddling in foreign affairs when he should be attending to more important matters! What about all these damned Irish and He-brews and Po-lacks who are swarming into our great Re-public and ointment! Ointment! OINTMENT!

Louis Lapham Went Way Over The Line This Time

I hope you don't mind, but I've really got to blow off a little steam after reading editor Lewis Lapham's "Notebook" column in the June issue of Harper's Magazine. Over the years, I've grown accustomed to Lapham's disregard for propriety, but this time he went way over the line. I tried to keep calm, but when I read that the magazine's new "Archive" feature was meant, as he put it, to counter the popular impression that we live in a perpetual and annihilating present that severs our kinship with the past—man, oh man, I wanted to find that guy and pop him a good one.

Area Daughter Wearing Next To Nothing

ATHENS, GA—Anger, shock, and feelings of intense awkwardness were just some of the reactions in the Helstein household Tuesday as Jeremy Helstein, 46, scolded his 17-year-old daughter Erica for allegedly wearing "next to nothing."

Presidential Pay Hike

At a hearing on Capitol Hill last week, Congress was urged to approve a spending bill which would double the president's salary to $400,000 per year, effective January 2001. What do you think?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    The stars would give you a horoscope, but you dropped the ball last week when you failed to meet a dark, handsome stranger. This is a two-way street, buddy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Mars in your sun sign indicates that you will go to work, watch televised sports, and enjoy several meals this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your birthday will be your best ever in terms of presents. In terms of contracting explosive leprosy, it’ll be just so-so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You will lose an argument with a truck next Tuesday. This is not, however, a cute way of denoting a traffic accident; you’re just not very persuasive.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You will fall victim to the rules of both social and regular Darwinism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Christ will appear before you and firmly state that He has never been on a crutch, on a bike, or in a sidecar. Please stop implying that He has.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Libra is flattered that you asked, but it is not in fact Don DeLillo’s Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The authorities realize that you are responsible for his broken legs and the cigarette burns on his arms, but they are powerless to take protective custody of Couchy, your favorite old couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Everyone will be full of praise and admiration for you, but don’t let it go to your head. This is only normal at funerals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The Legion Of Super Heroes would like to thank you for your application, but regretfully informs you that it is actually just a comic book.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Although you dislike your career, you know there are only so many options for a hot, horny housewife who’s waiting breathlessly by her phone.
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