Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

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How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would give you a horoscope, but you dropped the ball last week when you failed to meet a dark, handsome stranger. This is a two-way street, buddy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars in your sun sign indicates that you will go to work, watch televised sports, and enjoy several meals this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your birthday will be your best ever in terms of presents. In terms of contracting explosive leprosy, it’ll be just so-so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will lose an argument with a truck next Tuesday. This is not, however, a cute way of denoting a traffic accident; you’re just not very persuasive.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall victim to the rules of both social and regular Darwinism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Christ will appear before you and firmly state that He has never been on a crutch, on a bike, or in a sidecar. Please stop implying that He has.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is flattered that you asked, but it is not in fact Don DeLillo’s Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The authorities realize that you are responsible for his broken legs and the cigarette burns on his arms, but they are powerless to take protective custody of Couchy, your favorite old couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will be full of praise and admiration for you, but don’t let it go to your head. This is only normal at funerals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Legion Of Super Heroes would like to thank you for your application, but regretfully informs you that it is actually just a comic book.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you dislike your career, you know there are only so many options for a hot, horny housewife who’s waiting breathlessly by her phone.