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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would give you a horoscope, but you dropped the ball last week when you failed to meet a dark, handsome stranger. This is a two-way street, buddy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars in your sun sign indicates that you will go to work, watch televised sports, and enjoy several meals this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your birthday will be your best ever in terms of presents. In terms of contracting explosive leprosy, it’ll be just so-so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will lose an argument with a truck next Tuesday. This is not, however, a cute way of denoting a traffic accident; you’re just not very persuasive.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall victim to the rules of both social and regular Darwinism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Christ will appear before you and firmly state that He has never been on a crutch, on a bike, or in a sidecar. Please stop implying that He has.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is flattered that you asked, but it is not in fact Don DeLillo’s Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The authorities realize that you are responsible for his broken legs and the cigarette burns on his arms, but they are powerless to take protective custody of Couchy, your favorite old couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will be full of praise and admiration for you, but don’t let it go to your head. This is only normal at funerals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Legion Of Super Heroes would like to thank you for your application, but regretfully informs you that it is actually just a comic book.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you dislike your career, you know there are only so many options for a hot, horny housewife who’s waiting breathlessly by her phone.

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