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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

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Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would give you a horoscope, but you dropped the ball last week when you failed to meet a dark, handsome stranger. This is a two-way street, buddy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars in your sun sign indicates that you will go to work, watch televised sports, and enjoy several meals this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your birthday will be your best ever in terms of presents. In terms of contracting explosive leprosy, it’ll be just so-so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will lose an argument with a truck next Tuesday. This is not, however, a cute way of denoting a traffic accident; you’re just not very persuasive.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall victim to the rules of both social and regular Darwinism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Christ will appear before you and firmly state that He has never been on a crutch, on a bike, or in a sidecar. Please stop implying that He has.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is flattered that you asked, but it is not in fact Don DeLillo’s Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The authorities realize that you are responsible for his broken legs and the cigarette burns on his arms, but they are powerless to take protective custody of Couchy, your favorite old couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will be full of praise and admiration for you, but don’t let it go to your head. This is only normal at funerals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Legion Of Super Heroes would like to thank you for your application, but regretfully informs you that it is actually just a comic book.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you dislike your career, you know there are only so many options for a hot, horny housewife who’s waiting breathlessly by her phone.

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