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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The stars would give you a horoscope, but you dropped the ball last week when you failed to meet a dark, handsome stranger. This is a two-way street, buddy.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Mars in your sun sign indicates that you will go to work, watch televised sports, and enjoy several meals this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your birthday will be your best ever in terms of presents. In terms of contracting explosive leprosy, it’ll be just so-so.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will lose an argument with a truck next Tuesday. This is not, however, a cute way of denoting a traffic accident; you’re just not very persuasive.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will fall victim to the rules of both social and regular Darwinism.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Christ will appear before you and firmly state that He has never been on a crutch, on a bike, or in a sidecar. Please stop implying that He has.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is flattered that you asked, but it is not in fact Don DeLillo’s Libra.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The residents of Walla Walla and Kalamazoo will contact you and demand that you stop using the names of their cities as some kind of weak joke.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The authorities realize that you are responsible for his broken legs and the cigarette burns on his arms, but they are powerless to take protective custody of Couchy, your favorite old couch.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone will be full of praise and admiration for you, but don’t let it go to your head. This is only normal at funerals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The Legion Of Super Heroes would like to thank you for your application, but regretfully informs you that it is actually just a comic book.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although you dislike your career, you know there are only so many options for a hot, horny housewife who’s waiting breathlessly by her phone.

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