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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.

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