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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.

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