Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

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Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.


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