Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 22

City Maoist Visits Country Maoist

WUHAN, CHINA—City Maoist Xing Zhen Shengde returned Monday from a visit to Dunyang, where his country Maoist cousin Ni Yuxian resides. "The great Chairman Mao said we would build a socialist society based on agriculture and peasant farming, and that the peasant had the strength of the mountain and the wind in the trees," the urbane Marxist-Leninist reported Tuesday. "Nevertheless, I did not enjoy eating the rotting pig heads that pass for food in that hell-on-earth. Also, all of the peasants wore sandals." Ni said he understands that sturdy shoes must indeed be needed for escaping the muggers and prostitutes on every street corner in Wuhan.

Diabetic 8-Year-Old Throws Worst Birthday Party Ever

CARRIZOZO, NM—The 8th birthday party for diabetes-afflicted Jason Keoner was allegedly "the worst ever," partygoers reported Monday. "The only treats we got were Fresca, Go Lightly sugar-free hard candy, and a carob-chip birthday cake," 7-year-old Kim Gavin said. "When we broke the piñata open, a bunch of dried cranberries fell out." Partygoers were allegedly traumatized when the magician's performance was interrupted so Keoner could receive his insulin shot.

Area Man Accidentally Signs Up For AOL Latino

TOPEKA, KS—Jim Bauer, 34, accidentally signed up for AOL Latino, the sales clerk reported Monday. "The sign-up had all these steps, and I guess I just started clicking 'yes' and 'I agree,'" Bauer said. "Before I knew it, I was enrolled in some weird, alternate world where I couldn't read and didn't recognize any of the pop stars in the photos." Bauer, who doesn't speak Spanish, said he'll switch over to "regular AOL" soon, but for the time being, he can basically tell what "¡Tienes correo!" means.

Local Hamburger To Star In National Ad

KANKAKEE, IL—Local citizens are abuzz with the news that a local Angus beef hamburger will be featured in a national Weber gas-grill TV commercial that begins airing Monday. "We are all just so proud," Kankakee Mayor Donald Green said of the burger, which appears seated on a seeded bun and dressed with ketchup, pickles, lettuce, and a slice of tomato. "We've had some great sandwiches in this town, but none have gotten this kind of recognition. All of us who knew the burger had a hunch it was going to go on to great things." According to Green, the burger's talent agent is currently negotiating details for the burger's inclusion in a diner scene in an upcoming Will Ferrell movie.

Al-Qaeda Planning Attack

Last week, top U.S. officials warned that al-Qaeda plans to attack our country in the next few months. What do you think?

Tornado Safety

Spring is tornado season. The National Weather Service recommends taking these safety measures:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Horoscope for the week of June 2, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You have no idea why Nancy Sinatra keeps showing up at your place and soundly kicking your ass, but if you don't find out soon, there's a chance she'll stop.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's not true that everything you like is illegal, immoral, or fattening, but that's because you're a boring Puritan with no imagination or glands.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The increasingly litigious and impolite nature of the times pays off for you when you become an expert hostile witness.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Only God can judge you. Unfortunately, He's been appearing to all your friends and telling them what an asshole you are.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Take solace in this: There is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it's far too complicated for you to understand, and won't pay off for years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Stop worrying about what does and doesn't give you cancer. You have more immediate concerns with who will or won't hang you upside-down on a razor-wire fence for 72 hours.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You don't know a lot about art, but you do know what you like. This situation will lead to a curatorship at the National Museum Of Things I Like.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've never paid much attention to abandoned offshore oil platforms before, but suddenly everyone seems to think they'd be perfect for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You don't use the airwaves, exactly, but the FCC will soon take a stand on what you can and can't say using public air.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There's been a lot of talk about the lack of nurse slayings lately, but you're the only person with the guts to actually do something about it.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    It's nice that you're reading to the elderly, but people are wondering exactly what it is you're reading to make so many of them die during the experience.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You'll learn a relatively valuable lesson this week, when a kindly homeless man teaches you about punctuation.
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