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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.
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