Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 23

Robbie Krieger Goes 51 Minutes Without Mentioning Jim Morrison

LOS ANGELES–In his longest-such stretch since 1982, Doors guitarist Robbie Krieger went 51 minutes Monday without mentioning former bandmate Jim Morrison. "When Jim was around, anything could happen. Anything," Krieger told friend Bob Gale before unexpectedly detouring into a Morrison-free conversation about his car, a restaurant his cousin manages, and the recent L.A. mayoral election. The streak ended when, without prompting, Krieger said: "You know, despite his reputation, Jim was a genuinely friendly, approachable guy." Krieger then told the story of the time Morrison was arrested for indecent exposure in Miami for the 8,194th time.

Nepotism Passed Off As Synergy

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ–The hiring of Adam Dwyer by Merck Pharmaceutical was described Monday by CEO James Dwyer as "tremendously synergistic." "With his impressive range of experiences, including one and a half years of bartending and four years of heavy pharmaceutical use at the University of Delaware, Adam brings a lot to the table," Dwyer said of his nephew. "We, in turn, can help Adam earn $220,000 a year as vice-president of corporate communications for the Mid-Atlantic region."

Resident Of Three Years Decries Neighborhood's Recent Gentrification

CHICAGO–Bruce Smales, a three-year resident of Chicago's Wicker Park neighborhood, lashed out Monday against encroaching gentrification. "See that big Barnes & Noble on the corner? You better believe that wasn't there back in '98," said Smales, 34, a finance manager with Accenture. "This whole place is turning into Yuppieville. You can't throw a rock without hitting a couple in matching Ralph Lauren baseball caps walking a black lab." Smales then took his golden lab for a walk.

Sony Brings Shame To My Profession!

The Japanese do a lot of things better than us Americans, like making cars and preparing sushi. Well, now you can add to that list fabricating bogus movie reviews! It would seem that Sony Pictures couldn't find a real reviewer to say that Tales Of The Knights star Heath Ledger is a red-hot hunk, so they made one up! Why would they do that when I would have been more than happy to go on record saying that Ledger scorches the screen? (He does!) And, as for the movie itself, it's a whale of a tale, not to mention a non-stop thrill ride! There certainly was no need for Sony to resort to deception. It's things like this that hurt the credibility of all the honest entertainment journalists out there.

The World War II Memorial

The planned WWII Memorial on the National Mall has sparked controversy, its critics questioning its necessity, location, and design. What do you think?

Bush Trying To Decide How To Spend His Tax Refund

WASHINGTON, DC–Four days after signing a $1.35 trillion tax-cut bill, George W. Bush spent Monday trying to decide how he will spend his $300 refund check. "Maybe I'll buy some new wireless speakers," said the excited president, flipping through a Sharper Image catalog. "Or maybe I could get this massage chair." After noting the massage chair's $720 price tag, Bush said he "wouldn't rule out" passing an additional $1.9 trillion cut to get the extra $420.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.
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