Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.


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