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Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of June 20, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your execution by lethal injection will spark endless debate on whether capital punishment in America is cool-looking enough.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't be superstitious: The camera doesn't steal a piece of your soul every time it captures your image. Just look at all those people on the TV.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars have decided that you, Steven P. Kreindler, wannabe Eurotrash vulture, will never get laid again.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If there were a way to foretell next week without a tall dark stranger, a journey over water, or an old flame who still burns for you, we would. Sorry.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You've always felt that your father is in Heaven watching over you, a belief that's kept you from getting a good night's sleep for 24 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    At the end of the day, the important thing is that you stood up to the shark and didn't run away like a sissy.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Nailing the parrot to your shoulder may keep it secure while you're climbing the rigging or sailing rough seas, but it'll also make it harder to replace.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be overjoyed next week to meet the most shameless slut the world has ever known, at long last ending your search for your real mother.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You've changed, man. The stars remember when it was all about the future and your fortune, not all this other bullshit.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jesus isn't likely to accept your last-minute deathbed repentance, so remind Him firmly that He doesn't make the rules.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You have no idea how petty your ethnic squabbles seem to people outside of the Des Moines area.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your academic reputation will be ruined when the truth comes out that your dissertation's central thesis is identical to the plot of Monkey Trouble.

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