Horoscope for the week of June 21, 2000

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of June 21, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Due to an odd arrangement of the constellations, you will be born the oldest son of Thomas Fludd, Treasurer of War to Queen Elizabeth, later this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will receive a mass-mailed document from God informing you that, despite earlier third-party claims to the contrary, He does indeed make junk.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your shy and retiring temperament does not preclude your running down the street naked and on fire next Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be publicly ridiculed when the ghost of Jose Canseco denies your story.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know, Virgo has to admit itñyou're just such a nutty wack-meister that the stars have no gosh-darned idea what you're going to do next!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be tired of your migraines, but don't worry. There's only one left to go.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you believe that Grandma's hands are now guiding you from Heaven, she's actually trying to get the undertaker's stitches out of her eyes with her left while scratching feebly at the coffin lid with her right.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The day of judgment is finally upon you, but you may still avoid the wrath of the universe: Skip the lame excuses and just pay the stupid speeding ticket.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's really starting to look like you'll never be asked to join Split Enz.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your tragic visit to the U.S. Mint is a windfall for coin collectors, who will soon pay up to $1,000 for pennies stamped with tiny pieces of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although the surgeons would like to cheer you up any way they can, the law won't let you keep your legs in glass jars.
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