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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Horoscope for the week of June 21, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Due to an odd arrangement of the constellations, you will be born the oldest son of Thomas Fludd, Treasurer of War to Queen Elizabeth, later this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will receive a mass-mailed document from God informing you that, despite earlier third-party claims to the contrary, He does indeed make junk.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your shy and retiring temperament does not preclude your running down the street naked and on fire next Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be publicly ridiculed when the ghost of Jose Canseco denies your story.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know, Virgo has to admit itñyou're just such a nutty wack-meister that the stars have no gosh-darned idea what you're going to do next!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be tired of your migraines, but don't worry. There's only one left to go.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you believe that Grandma's hands are now guiding you from Heaven, she's actually trying to get the undertaker's stitches out of her eyes with her left while scratching feebly at the coffin lid with her right.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The day of judgment is finally upon you, but you may still avoid the wrath of the universe: Skip the lame excuses and just pay the stupid speeding ticket.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's really starting to look like you'll never be asked to join Split Enz.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your tragic visit to the U.S. Mint is a windfall for coin collectors, who will soon pay up to $1,000 for pennies stamped with tiny pieces of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although the surgeons would like to cheer you up any way they can, the law won't let you keep your legs in glass jars.

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