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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Horoscope for the week of June 21, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Although your life has been uneventful up until now, there is something special in store for Aries.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Due to an odd arrangement of the constellations, you will be born the oldest son of Thomas Fludd, Treasurer of War to Queen Elizabeth, later this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will receive a mass-mailed document from God informing you that, despite earlier third-party claims to the contrary, He does indeed make junk.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your shy and retiring temperament does not preclude your running down the street naked and on fire next Thursday.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be publicly ridiculed when the ghost of Jose Canseco denies your story.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You know, Virgo has to admit itñyou're just such a nutty wack-meister that the stars have no gosh-darned idea what you're going to do next!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You may be tired of your migraines, but don't worry. There's only one left to go.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Although you believe that Grandma's hands are now guiding you from Heaven, she's actually trying to get the undertaker's stitches out of her eyes with her left while scratching feebly at the coffin lid with her right.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The day of judgment is finally upon you, but you may still avoid the wrath of the universe: Skip the lame excuses and just pay the stupid speeding ticket.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's really starting to look like you'll never be asked to join Split Enz.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your tragic visit to the U.S. Mint is a windfall for coin collectors, who will soon pay up to $1,000 for pennies stamped with tiny pieces of you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Although the surgeons would like to cheer you up any way they can, the law won't let you keep your legs in glass jars.

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