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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of K2, the world’s second-highest mountain.

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