Aries | March 21 to April 19
It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of K2, the world’s second-highest mountain.
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