Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of K2, the world’s second-highest mountain.


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