Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

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Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Satisfaction

  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Good Times

Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of K2, the world’s second-highest mountain.