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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    It's time to come to terms with your less-than-perfect childhood. After all, you did get to meet Robin Ventura during his tour of minimum-security group homes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A magical world of sensual enjoyment will come to your door this week, provided your check is from a local bank and numbered above 1000.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You should quit telling people that God is your co-pilot. You know damn well He just works the radio set.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will be unable to shake the feeling that Latin pop is the next big thing.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The sun in your sign indicates that you shouldn’t go outside and look directly at your sign until a few hours have passed.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Fortune is yours this week: You’ve been pre-approved for the exciting new Virgo Platinum Card with Double Cashback Bonus!
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    A brief period of confusion over the words "horizontal" and "vertical" will screw up your TV picture for hours.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be given a new reason to believe in ancient astronauts when you see Buzz Aldrin on the news. He looks about 102, for chrissakes.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your ability to discern among monkeys, apes, chimps and mandrills will come in handy when you tell the zookeeper exactly what happened.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Be more sensitive to people's needs this week. For instance, nursing students chained in one's basement need food, water and access to restroom facilities.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Friday will find you lost and alone in a world you never made. Try to ignore the feeling until you can get back to the office on Monday.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will once again try and fail to sleep your way to the top of K2, the world’s second-highest mountain.

More from this section

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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