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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.

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