Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 25

7-Year-Old Asshole Demands You King Him

COS COB, CT—On the 23rd turn of the game Monday, 7-year-old asshole Andy Scot advanced a checker to the opposite end of the board and plunked it down on a black square. "King me," the smug little bastard said, folding his pudgy arms across his sweater-vested chest. "Do it." The checkers game, which continued apace after you placed a checker on top of his, was at least a reprieve from hearing the little shit say "sorry" during the game of the same name.

Dysfunctional Family Statistically Average

MORSE BLUFF, NE—Although neighbors report that the Kenner family is "immensely troubled," recently published statistics suggest they are more or less average, sources reported Monday. "Sure, the kids are upset that Doug and Tammy are splitting up because of Doug's extramarital affairs, but that's hardly unusual," said analyst Doreen Fellows, who cited 2000 U.S. Census figures indicating that more than 60 percent of all American children are from divorced families. "Maybe the family would have fared better if not for Doreen's drinking, but the situation is far from unusual. According to the American Medical Association, 72 percent of American homes harbor someone with an addiction." Unbeknownst to the Kenners, one out of four family members will contract chlamydia in his or her lifetime.

Power-Crazed Orkin Man Burns House To Ground

ESTES PARK, CO—Neighbors and loved ones joined the former residents of 22 Everglade Pass Monday to marvel at the still-smoldering remains of the house razed by Orkin exterminator Zach Knight. "I called Orkin and told them we had ants," former homeowner Bill Danby said. "Twenty minutes later, a guy in a red polo shirt and a mask knocked on the door, told us to get out of the house, and said we should take our most precious belongings. Minutes later, we smelled smoke." That night, Danby received a phone call from an anonymous party, who warned him that "the Orkin man will be back" to perform a follow-up inspection of the property Thursday.

Julia Roberts Is A Pretty Pregnant Woman!

Item! Julia Roberts is going to have a baby! Actually, she's having two babies—twins! It's the beginning of a new dynasty, like the Barrymores or the Bridgeses or the Baldwins. Right when the Olson Sisters got too old to be cute, America's Sweetheart is turning out a whole new set for us to fall in love with. Congrats to Julia and her husband, Lyle Lovitz! (Hope the kids get their looks from Julia!)

Iraq's New Flag

Iraq is poised to assume self-rule, but many citizens are unhappy with the national flag unveiled in April. What are some of the flag's design elements?

Private Space Travel

Monday's SpaceShipOne flight could usher in an age of privately financed space travel. What do you think?

Coalition: Vast Majority Of Iraqis Still Alive

BAGHDAD—As the Coalition Provisional Authority prepares to hand power over to an Iraqi-led interim government on June 30, CPA administrator L. Paul Bremer publicly touted the success of Operation Iraqi Freedom.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.
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