adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close