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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of June 23, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You were all set to have a whirlwind week of romance and a landslide financial success, but a supernova in Cancer has changed your fortune to regular whirlwinds and landslides.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will have mixed feelings about your career this week when you're unexpectedly promoted from assistant third-shift server to Admiral of the Fifth Fleet.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're about to go through a very sad time of the soul, but now that Ray Charles is dead, that's pretty much true for everybody.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You've said that your head will explode if you hear one more bad dance remix, but club-goers will still be shocked and appalled when it happens.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll disprove an old adage this week when you use violence to solve the General Deg 5 polynomial equation.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    If you had to do it all over again, you wouldn't change a thing, which proves that you're a masochistic submoron.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Getting hit by a crosstown city bus once was bad enough, but you thought moving to the countryside of Pago Pago would prevent a second incident.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Many twins have a certain telepathy, which explains why someone who looks just like you will appear this week and order you to stop thinking about pie.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Sports metaphors are among the most trite, but it's hard to deny that your life is a lot like buzkashi, a violent Afghan form of polo played with goat corpses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The story of your ocean voyage will inspire a song of such tragic beauty that it will be known as the next "Edmund Fitzgerald."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    What with the threshing machine, the barrels of cyanide, and the Gatling gun, the coroner will have a hell of a time determining your cause of death.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You used to think there's no such thing as bad publicity, but that was before you saw your profile in Us Weekly.

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