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Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.

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