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Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.

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