Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

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Vol 33 Issue 24

Comedy Central Celebrates One Millionth Airing Of Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin'

NEW YORK—Comedy Central reached a milestone at 3 a.m. EST Monday, when it aired Cheech & Chong: Still Smokin' for the one millionth time. "This is a film that deserves to be seen again and again," said Comedy Central president Alan Scherr of Still Smokin', which ranks ninth on AFI's listing of the 100 greatest films of all time. "This landmark 1983 work, in which Cheech and Chong journey to Amsterdam to raise money for a bankrupt film festival by holding a dope-a-thon, is an enduring, towering classic. Cheech displays an astonishing acting range in the film, playing characters ranging from Limey Bitters to Tristan DeNiteaway, to the uproarious E.T. parody, 'Eddie Torres, the Extra-Testicle.' See it hundreds of times."

Local Christian Sees Parallel To Your Situation In Bible

TALLAHASSEE, FL—According to local Christian Matthew Peete, a remarkable parallel exists between your current situation and events chronicled in The Bible. "You know, when Job was being tormented by the Devil, he felt like giving up, the same as you," Peete said. "But Job had faith that God would deliver him, and He did. You need to have faith, because, just as God tested Job, the Lord is testing you with your wife's infidelity."

Industrial Light & Magic Creates Believable Storyline

SAN RAFAEL, CA—In the special-effects company's most dazzling achievement yet, Industrial Light & Magic has created a storyline for the upcoming sci-fi thriller Orbital Velocity that is actually believable. The storyline, developed by ILM technicians using state-of-the-art 3-D computer imaging, is said to be even more plausible and non-contradictory than Godzilla's. "By digitally enhancing the original draft of the script, we were able to create a plot that is virtually linear," said ILM technician Colin Northrop. "When you see it up there on the screen, you'll swear you were watching something engaging."

Area Fifth-Grader Won't Shut Up About Raccoons

GOSHEN, IN—For the 41st straight day, Goshen fifth-grader Peter Driscoll refused to shut up about raccoons Tuesday. "The largest raccoon ever recorded weighed over 60 pounds," Driscoll said. "Baby raccoons are called kits and gestate for 63 days." "He just won't stop with the damn raccoons," said Valerie Driscoll, Peter's mother. "I don't know how much more of this I can take." Peter also noted that the name "raccoon" comes from the Algonquin word "arakun," which means "one who scratches with his hands."

NYC Health Department Cracks Down On Food Vendors Who Fail To Wipe Off Meat With Rag

NEW YORK—New York City Health Department officials announced a major crackdown on non-meat-wiping food vendors Monday. "Effective June 30, when a hot dog falls to the pavement, the vendor must pick it up and wipe it thoroughly with a rag before selling it," Deputy Health Commissioner Louis Holman said. "Further, the rag must be kept at least two feet off the ground and rinsed weekly." The new ordinance is the strictest passed by the city's Health Department since a 1996 law requiring food-service workers to be fully clothed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Spring

Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
  • Leo

    Leo

    For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.
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