adBlockCheck

Recent News

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of June 24, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close