Aries | March 21 to April 19
If you listen closely, you can still hear all those nurses shrieking in mortal agony. Do not worry, however, as the voices are only in your head.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your last hope of finding love is ruined when the last Great Perverted Peruvian Stagfish dies in captivity.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Due to a typographical error in your Bible, you mistakenly spend an entire Lutheran retreat praising the Lard God Almighty.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If it is your birthday this week, avoid becoming overwhelmed with a despairing sense of your inescapable mortality by eating an enormous amount of flavorful sausage.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
For reasons known only to the stars, your next three weeks will be drab, joyless and utterly without a source of high-quality jokes and satire.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will find yourself homeless, friendless and homesick this week when your 10-year prison sentence finally ends. However, you will soon find a great way to get back "inside" for good.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be filled with a sense of overwhelming peace and well-being shortly after eviscerating every single bastard in Boulder, CO.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will fail to carefully read the directions before using a power tool for the 795th and final time.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A long road-trip with your husband ends with him being fatally run over by a careening semi and you winning the Arkansas state lottery.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Saturn in your sign indicates that you will live a long, happy and satisfying life, but a sign on Saturn indicates that it is temporarily out of order.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will go down in history this week as the World's Largest And Most Difficult-To-Remove Bloodstain.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The Summer Solstice will be a time of mysterious portents and strange magicks for you, unless you are not a stupid hippie.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION