Horoscope for the week of June 29, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 26

Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The Bloomington East Hawks varsity cheerleaders organized a pep rally after school Monday, in honor of a squad member who was date-raped last weekend. "R-A... P-E-D, nothing's gonna stop Su-zie. Yay, Suzie!" the squad cheered before the 1,500 students who filled the gymnasium to celebrate the victim's return to school. Rapist Fritz Hent, an East Hawks linebacker, will sit out the first game of the season as punishment.

Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc

NEW YORK—According to TV viewer Maurice Degroot, every phase of rock band The Who's career was traced by a single CBS commercial break Tuesday. "The retrospective opened with Hummer's 'Happy Jack,' one of the songs from The Who's '60s mod period,"Degroot said. "Then a Saab commercial played 'I'm Free' from their ambitious rock-opera phase, followed by a promo for CSI featuring 'Who Are You,' one of their last great hits." In light of the popular commercials, the surviving Who members are planning a reunion tour to perform 30-second snippets from all their famous songs.

Fifth Baby Barely Showered

ALCOVA, WY—Attendees at the weekend shower for Peggy Walgraeve's fifth child agreed that the event paled when compared to the showers thrown for Walgraeve's four other children. "For [first child] Ashley, they had bacon wraps and mini quiches and wine coolers, but this time it was beer and Fritos, and everyone was out the door by 2 o'clock," said Lilly Gussman, one of three guests. Walgraeve's husband Dan watched TV in the living room throughout the celebration, though he was reportedly seen glancing at the partygoers on occasion.

New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth

NEW YORK—Describing it as a "discerning and literary companion" to their flagship entertainment-news magazine, Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min announced on Tuesday the creation of Us Quarterly, a scholarly, four-times-yearly journal dedicated to sizzling-hot celebrity gossip.

Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty

GAINESVILLE, FL—Local resident Stephen Nicolai, 34, said Monday that the harsh realities of the natural world are what inspire him to commit spontaneous acts of brutal sadism. "Nature, red in tooth and claw, destroys without prejudice or regard for feelings, and since I am at one with nature, so too shall I," said Nicolai as he flattened a tree frog with a ball-peen hammer. "When I witness the awesome force of a tsunami, or the shift of a tectonic plate, or even a kitten mercilessly taunting its prey before eating it, I know that I am in harmony with nature." Nicolai said he has found peace through his ritual animal torture and vicious braining of random passersby.

I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood magic for the next three months—especially since there's nothing on TV but reruns and second-string reality series. So, grab some popcorn, pull down a center seat, and dim the lights, because my annual guide to the hottest summer movie tickets is here!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 29, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will be awoken nightly between 2 and 4 a.m., by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about how 'Til Tuesday was an underrated band.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    When he said, "It bears, as in a nightmare one bears the impossible and finds no deliverance," Rilke was talking about Rodin's "Fallen Caryatid," but if you want to use that quote to talk about your foot pain, no one can stop you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your fate will be influenced by nostalgic cosmic forces this week, when Castor, one of Gemini's formative stars, takes this week off to attend his high school's 10 billion year reunion.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You lack initiative, which means that you usually wait until someone yells "Get funky!" before you get funky.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You won't listen to the many people who tell you that your lover is bad for you until it's too late and you're almost completely finished devouring his corpse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Like the broader American pop culture, you are fascinated with prison life, but this will change as soon as you're condemned to three consecutive life sentences.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You're not all that angry that someone put that video of you being hit by a bus, attacked by a bear, and stabbed with scissors on the Internet, but for them to set it to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is just wrong.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    The good news is that you're finally getting as much sex as you want. The bad news is that it's a kind of sex you always wanted to avoid if at all possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The authorities have not given your lost love up for dead quite yet. They have reason to believe that she's in Duluth, though, which you must admit is pretty much the same thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You are, of course, given the right to the pursuit of happiness, but there's nothing to prevent others from aiding and abetting your happiness in its desperate attempt to escape you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You used to compare yourself to Icarus, but you're less likely to do so now that you know he once helped a woman cheat on her husband by having sex with a cow.
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