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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Horoscope for the week of June 29, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will be awoken nightly between 2 and 4 a.m., by a friend who used to be cool but now just wants to talk about how 'Til Tuesday was an underrated band.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When he said, "It bears, as in a nightmare one bears the impossible and finds no deliverance," Rilke was talking about Rodin's "Fallen Caryatid," but if you want to use that quote to talk about your foot pain, no one can stop you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your fate will be influenced by nostalgic cosmic forces this week, when Castor, one of Gemini's formative stars, takes this week off to attend his high school's 10 billion year reunion.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You lack initiative, which means that you usually wait until someone yells "Get funky!" before you get funky.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You won't listen to the many people who tell you that your lover is bad for you until it's too late and you're almost completely finished devouring his corpse.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Like the broader American pop culture, you are fascinated with prison life, but this will change as soon as you're condemned to three consecutive life sentences.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You try to keep an open mind, but you're pretty sure there's no way that a damn cat could have helped solve over 30 capital crimes.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're not all that angry that someone put that video of you being hit by a bus, attacked by a bear, and stabbed with scissors on the Internet, but for them to set it to Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" is just wrong.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The good news is that you're finally getting as much sex as you want. The bad news is that it's a kind of sex you always wanted to avoid if at all possible.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The authorities have not given your lost love up for dead quite yet. They have reason to believe that she's in Duluth, though, which you must admit is pretty much the same thing.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You are, of course, given the right to the pursuit of happiness, but there's nothing to prevent others from aiding and abetting your happiness in its desperate attempt to escape you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You used to compare yourself to Icarus, but you're less likely to do so now that you know he once helped a woman cheat on her husband by having sex with a cow.

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