Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

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Recent News

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your Leatherman will come in the mail this week, but, disappointingly, it turns out to just be a plier-like multi-tool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The police will finally find the plastic bag of heroin you hid in the cat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything you attempt this week will work wonderfully, with the exception of your playful experiment with autoerotic hanging.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a bill in advance for several thousand dollars in long-distance calls when your local service provider becomes a psychic phone company.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the events of this week will be extremely painful, you will eventually achieve mythic status with your books about being skinned alive and left to die on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need to stock up on horse laxative, bandages, talcum powder and home pregnancy tests this week for reasons the stars would rather not discuss.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Uranus in your sign will lead to many silly and tasteless jokes being made by your stupidest friends.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will learn an important lesson about yourself this week after robbing a bank and jumping off a cliff just because all of your friends did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    One of the happiest moments of your life will be ruined when you realize what the bricks in your new red brick house are actually made of.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a ferocious beating at the hands of pimply teens, you vow never to use the phrase "just a video game" again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that this is a good time to begin new projects. By a strange coincidence, this happens to be something you were about to do.