Aries | March 21 to April 19
Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your Leatherman will come in the mail this week, but, disappointingly, it turns out to just be a plier-like multi-tool.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The police will finally find the plastic bag of heroin you hid in the cat.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Everything you attempt this week will work wonderfully, with the exception of your playful experiment with autoerotic hanging.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will receive a bill in advance for several thousand dollars in long-distance calls when your local service provider becomes a psychic phone company.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though the events of this week will be extremely painful, you will eventually achieve mythic status with your books about being skinned alive and left to die on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will need to stock up on horse laxative, bandages, talcum powder and home pregnancy tests this week for reasons the stars would rather not discuss.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Uranus in your sign will lead to many silly and tasteless jokes being made by your stupidest friends.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will learn an important lesson about yourself this week after robbing a bank and jumping off a cliff just because all of your friends did.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
One of the happiest moments of your life will be ruined when you realize what the bricks in your new red brick house are actually made of.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
After a ferocious beating at the hands of pimply teens, you vow never to use the phrase "just a video game" again.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars indicate that this is a good time to begin new projects. By a strange coincidence, this happens to be something you were about to do.
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