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Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Dad Locks Into Elaborate Chess Match With Lawn Mower Salesman

TACOMA, WA—Intermittently shifting his gaze between his opponent and the product brochure in his hands as he shrewdly calculated his next move, local father Thomas McCabe became locked into an intricate chess match Thursday with riding lawn mower salesman Keith Porter, family sources reported.

How To Prepare A Will

Writing a will ensures the proper distribution of your assets upon your death. The Onion takes you through the steps of preparing this important document
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Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your Leatherman will come in the mail this week, but, disappointingly, it turns out to just be a plier-like multi-tool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The police will finally find the plastic bag of heroin you hid in the cat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything you attempt this week will work wonderfully, with the exception of your playful experiment with autoerotic hanging.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a bill in advance for several thousand dollars in long-distance calls when your local service provider becomes a psychic phone company.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the events of this week will be extremely painful, you will eventually achieve mythic status with your books about being skinned alive and left to die on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need to stock up on horse laxative, bandages, talcum powder and home pregnancy tests this week for reasons the stars would rather not discuss.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Uranus in your sign will lead to many silly and tasteless jokes being made by your stupidest friends.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will learn an important lesson about yourself this week after robbing a bank and jumping off a cliff just because all of your friends did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    One of the happiest moments of your life will be ruined when you realize what the bricks in your new red brick house are actually made of.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a ferocious beating at the hands of pimply teens, you vow never to use the phrase "just a video game" again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that this is a good time to begin new projects. By a strange coincidence, this happens to be something you were about to do.

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