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Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Horoscope for the week of June 3, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Representatives of a local veteran's group will appear at your door this week and say that, although they fought to defend your rights, they would appreciate it if you would stop exercising them.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your Leatherman will come in the mail this week, but, disappointingly, it turns out to just be a plier-like multi-tool.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The police will finally find the plastic bag of heroin you hid in the cat.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Everything you attempt this week will work wonderfully, with the exception of your playful experiment with autoerotic hanging.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will receive a bill in advance for several thousand dollars in long-distance calls when your local service provider becomes a psychic phone company.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though the events of this week will be extremely painful, you will eventually achieve mythic status with your books about being skinned alive and left to die on the Bonneville Salt Flats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will need to stock up on horse laxative, bandages, talcum powder and home pregnancy tests this week for reasons the stars would rather not discuss.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Uranus in your sign will lead to many silly and tasteless jokes being made by your stupidest friends.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will learn an important lesson about yourself this week after robbing a bank and jumping off a cliff just because all of your friends did.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    One of the happiest moments of your life will be ruined when you realize what the bricks in your new red brick house are actually made of.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    After a ferocious beating at the hands of pimply teens, you vow never to use the phrase "just a video game" again.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate that this is a good time to begin new projects. By a strange coincidence, this happens to be something you were about to do.

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