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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 1997

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Force the neighborhood ice-cream man to move into your spare bedroom and dress in a French maid's outfit. Explain to him that he is now your ice-cream man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your most romantic dream comes true when hunk Parker Stevenson saves you from certain suffocation by performing a life-saving tracheotomy with his penis.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars declare that your life shall be full of love, wealth and happiness from now on. They are lying.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will have a chance to act like a hero if front of all your friends when you see an old lady fall in the street. Point at her and shout, "Burn on you!" at the top of your lungs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be held personally responsible when the star-sign Virgo changes its traditional moniker from The Virgin to The Drunken Sniffer Of Bicycle Seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It is time for you and your mate to move up to the next level of closeness. Instead of your normal sexual lubricant, substitute a water-based, spermicidal form of Superglue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You decide to come out of the closet this week, but nobody seems to care because you are only a wire hanger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Detectives will match your stapler to the wounds in all those poor nurses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to stop lying to yourself. It's no secret that you're naked inside your hamburger-mascot outfit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will lose a game of poker to Satan by drawing to an inside straight. There is no reason to worry, however, as the two of you are only playing to pass the time on a bus trip.

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