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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 1997

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Force the neighborhood ice-cream man to move into your spare bedroom and dress in a French maid's outfit. Explain to him that he is now your ice-cream man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your most romantic dream comes true when hunk Parker Stevenson saves you from certain suffocation by performing a life-saving tracheotomy with his penis.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars declare that your life shall be full of love, wealth and happiness from now on. They are lying.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will have a chance to act like a hero if front of all your friends when you see an old lady fall in the street. Point at her and shout, "Burn on you!" at the top of your lungs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be held personally responsible when the star-sign Virgo changes its traditional moniker from The Virgin to The Drunken Sniffer Of Bicycle Seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It is time for you and your mate to move up to the next level of closeness. Instead of your normal sexual lubricant, substitute a water-based, spermicidal form of Superglue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You decide to come out of the closet this week, but nobody seems to care because you are only a wire hanger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Detectives will match your stapler to the wounds in all those poor nurses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to stop lying to yourself. It's no secret that you're naked inside your hamburger-mascot outfit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will lose a game of poker to Satan by drawing to an inside straight. There is no reason to worry, however, as the two of you are only playing to pass the time on a bus trip.

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