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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Force the neighborhood ice-cream man to move into your spare bedroom and dress in a French maid's outfit. Explain to him that he is now your ice-cream man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your most romantic dream comes true when hunk Parker Stevenson saves you from certain suffocation by performing a life-saving tracheotomy with his penis.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars declare that your life shall be full of love, wealth and happiness from now on. They are lying.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will have a chance to act like a hero if front of all your friends when you see an old lady fall in the street. Point at her and shout, "Burn on you!" at the top of your lungs.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be held personally responsible when the star-sign Virgo changes its traditional moniker from The Virgin to The Drunken Sniffer Of Bicycle Seats.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It is time for you and your mate to move up to the next level of closeness. Instead of your normal sexual lubricant, substitute a water-based, spermicidal form of Superglue.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You decide to come out of the closet this week, but nobody seems to care because you are only a wire hanger.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Detectives will match your stapler to the wounds in all those poor nurses.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be chopped to bits, roasted, covered with caramel, stuffed in a box with a cheap toy, and sold to children nationwide.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's time to stop lying to yourself. It's no secret that you're naked inside your hamburger-mascot outfit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will lose a game of poker to Satan by drawing to an inside straight. There is no reason to worry, however, as the two of you are only playing to pass the time on a bus trip.

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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