Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close