Aries | March 21 to April 19
The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.
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