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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.

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