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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

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Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.

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