Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

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Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids

What It Costs To Host The Olympic Games

Boston announced this week it will pull its bid for the 2024 Olympics, due in part to the huge costs associated with the games that could become a taxpayer burden. Here is a breakdown of what the Olympics cost their host cities

Resolute Congress Passes Second Amendment Again

WASHINGTON—Easily securing the requisite two-thirds majorities in the House and Senate, a resolute United States Congress responded to the ongoing national debate on gun rights Tuesday by passing the Second Amendment again.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of June 4, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    The whole neighborhood knows you as the man with the heart of stone and the fists of steel, which is not the reputation you want as a concert pianist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You'll admit that the errors MIT found in your coordinate system for a nine-dimensional plenum check out, but it still seems like they did it just to be dicks.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The jury will not be moved by your argument that the term "escaped tigers" implies the intent was with the tigers.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon take an extremely long journey over water, which is odd given how little water there will be.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Investigators say the truth is found by following the money or the sex, which makes you immune to any possible suspicion.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be getting phone calls for a year after your appearance on E!'s Wild On Scorpio.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Death will soon take a holiday and put you in charge of his dread offices for a week, but it will all go off without a hitch and barely be worthy of comment.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Jupiter ascendant in your sign this week indicates that contemporary fiction would be richer and more resonant if it were less self-indulgent.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    It's not always the person you least expect, because, if it were, it would always be you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, people will be breaking down your door to get your secret to happiness, because your secret is 85 kilos of uncut Bolivian coke.