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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars, without giving too much away, think there has never been a better time to stay home and avoid all galactic-adventure sci-fi movies.
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