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Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

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How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

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Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars, without giving too much away, think there has never been a better time to stay home and avoid all galactic-adventure sci-fi movies.

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