Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

In This Section

Vol 38 Issue 21

Area Woman Slams Down Phone, Waits For It To Ring

STARKVILLE, MS— Following a heated conversation with boyfriend Chris Lea, area resident Michelle Aston, 22, violently slammed down her phone receiver and immediately began waiting for Lea to call back. "He'll call," Aston said. "He's too smart not to." Aston waited six minutes and eleven seconds before heading to the back porch to smoke a cigarette.

Hypnotist Looking For Gimmick To Set Him Apart From Other Hypnotists

CHICAGO— Hypnotist Ed "Dr. Mysterioso" Allen is seeking a gimmick to set him apart from the hundreds of other hypnotists on the nightclub circuit. "I don't know, there's already a bunch of singing hypnotists and a ventriloquist hypnotist," said Allen, leafing through ads in the back pages of Getting Sleepy, a hypnotism trade magazine. "Maybe I could be the juggling hypnotist. Or wear some sort of funny hat. I just don't want to be lost in the crowd."

New Ad Preys On People With 'Ideas'

LOS ANGELES— A new ad appearing in dozens of magazines and newspapers shamelessly preys on people with "ideas." "Turn your idea into $$$!" read the 1/16th-page ad, which ran this week in the classifieds section of Parade and Rolling Stone. "Learn how top inventors get their ideas off the page and into the marketplace!" It remains to be seen how the nation's idea-having demographic will respond to the unnamed advertiser's attempt to charge a fee per idea submission, successful or not.

Drought-Ravaged NYC Institutes Alternate-Side-Of-Street Firefighting

NEW YORK— Suffering from months of drought, New York City instituted alternate-side-of-the-street firefighting Monday. "On odd-numbered days, even-numbered buildings are not permitted to catch fire," Mayor Michael Bloomberg said at a press conference. "For those who fail to comply, we will not be able to put out your fire until the following morning. Your kind cooperation will help conserve water resources throughout the New York area."

Jackie Chan's Ancestors Shamed By Blooper Reel

HONG KONG— The shades of the ancestors of action hero Jackie Chan were posthumously disgraced upon seeing a "blooper reel" at the end of Rush Hour 2. "I die a thousand deaths when my dishonorable progeny fails to remember his line," said the ghost of Chan Kim-Yiang, who died fighting against the British occupation of Hong Kong in 1840. "To see him flip off a restaurant table, only to land wrong and bonk his head, brings dishonor to all the Chans who have passed from this world into the realm of wind and ghosts."

The India-Pakistan Conflict

Tensions continue to rise between India and Pakistan, with the nuclear rivals threatening to go to war over the disputed Kashmir region. What do you think?

Career Separates

When Roz, my Fashion Bug supervisor, called the entire staff together for a special meeting, I swore that this time, I'd come prepared. Whenever we have a meeting, Ellen, the girl who got the assistant-manager position instead of me just because she's Roz's friend, brings a treat like crumb cake or donuts. Everybody always makes such a big fuss about it, like she made this big effort. (Her baked goods are homemade, all right... in Mrs. Entenmann's home!)

The FBI Overhaul

Under fire form pre-Sept. 11 intelligence breakdowns, the FBI inveiled a sweeping reform plan last week.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Business

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars, without giving too much away, think there has never been a better time to stay home and avoid all galactic-adventure sci-fi movies.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More