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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of June 5, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    This week, you'll be living proof that one man can make a differenceóat least to the owners of Lucky Lucy's All-U-Can-Eat Buffet.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It'll be a nuisance wearing the Nielsen box on your head all week, but at least you'll find out that your viewership goes up when you're fighting or having sex.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll be at the center of a gay-rights battle this week when you try to claim partnership benefits from both your lesbian and heterosexual marriages.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your dream of operating your own karaoke bar is shattered when you discover, on opening night, that you need to let others sing, too.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Once again, you are relegated to being the one who causes the distraction while someone else gets to sneak past in the confusion and save the girl.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's all over but the shouting, but don't worry: It's going to be great shouting.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will learn the hard way that climbing a mountain isn't the kind of thing to do drunk. But you promised.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The name "The Stripper Murderer" looms large in your future. Apparently, you'll either murder some strippers or be murdered by one.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    When resolving office conflicts, remember the wisdom of Mahatma Gandhi: If enough peasants die horribly, someone will probably notice.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will find yourself living out the lyrics to a popular song, sort of, when love slaps you down where you belong.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Events will soon come to pass which will brand you forever as "the kind of guy who doesn't freak out if you shit in his stove.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars, without giving too much away, think there has never been a better time to stay home and avoid all galactic-adventure sci-fi movies.

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