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Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.
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Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.

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