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Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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