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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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