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Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of June 6, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will realize that just because an idea comes to you in a dream doesn't make it any good after spending millions establishing a projectile-flooring business.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've stuck to your diet and deserve a reward. Let yourself come between an enraged mother polar bear and her cubs just this once.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    After discovering the lost manuscript to George Orwell's 1975, you are silenced by the government for knowing subversively kitschy secrets.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are some things that only become funny when you look back on them years later. Next Wednesday, however, will seem funny almost instantly.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your word will never be bond again when you violate your age-old vow never to be caught dead in beige pumps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Not to make you feel any worse, but even Virgo knows that drawing to fill an inside straight is a bad idea. Idiot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be praised by needy upper-middle-class families everywhere when you found the first charity dedicated to helping the vacation-home-less.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will be metaphorically drawn and quartered after misusing the word "literally" four times in one conversation.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your impromptu conga line across the Mideast will somehow fail to bring peace to the region.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will witness many instances of comedy as a delightful, if unexpected, secondary benefit of next week's floor-buttering experiment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Remember: You didn't become a screen-door-factory worker for the money or the fame. Remind yourself of this constantly.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will spend an entire day in New York City without meeting a soul. You will, however, meet dozens of actual people.

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