Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

Top Headlines

Recent News

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.

Nobel Peace Prize Candidates

There are 273 candidates for the Nobel Peace Prize this year, the second-highest number of nominees ever, and the laureate(s) will be announced Friday before the prize ceremony in December. Here are some notable candidates for this year’s award:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living


Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.