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Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.

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