Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 21

Goodwill Employees Shaken By Gigantic Pants

LUBBOCK, TX–Goodwill workers Pam Stearns and Lydia Rutt were severely shaken by a pair of mammoth men's pants retrieved from the store's donation bin Monday. "At first, I thought it was some sort of denim tent or tarp," a still-rattled Stearns said. "But then, as Lydia started to unfold it, I slowly began to realize that I was looking at a pair of human pants." The colossal trousers are now on display in the employee break room.

SNL Audience Moved To Tears By Soulful, End-Of-Episode Piano Music

NEW YORK–The 296 members of the Saturday Night Live studio audience were moved to tears in the show's closing minutes Saturday by soulful, sentimental piano music. "After 90 minutes of live sketch comedy from the likes of Ana Gasteyer and Tim Meadows, that piano music set just the right mood of reflection and closure," audience member Liz Nokes said. "Without words, it conveyed just how much we'd been through together and captured the bittersweet feeling that comes from knowing that the good times and laughter have come to a close until next week." The teary-eyed audience swayed along with the cast, guest host Joshua Jackson, and musical guest 'N Sync, smiling wistfully and waving as they bid farewell to yet another successful episode.

Lanthanum Quits Periodic Table Of Elements

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN–The world of chemistry was shaken Monday by lanthanum's announcement that the popular 57th element will quit Transition Group IIIb of the periodic table at the end of the summer. "I have nothing but good things to say about my time with the periodic table," said the ductile, silvery-white metal, speaking from the site of its discovery by Carl Gustav Mosander in 1839. "Nevertheless, I will be stepping down after Labor Day to focus on my own earth-metal solo projects." Rumors of a longtime feud with molybdenum and the constant demands of lens manufacturing are believed to be behind the departure.

MIA Remains In North Korea

U.S. and North Korean officials are meeting in Kuala Lumpur this week to discuss efforts to recover the remains of 8,000 American soldiers missing in action in the Korean War. What do you think?

Blue Line Jumps 11 Percent

NEW YORK–Excitement swept the financial world Monday, when a blue line jumped more than 11 percent, passing four black horizontal lines as it rose from 367.22 to 408.85.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Leo

    Leo

    It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
  • Libra

    Libra

    You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.
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