Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.
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