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Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.

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