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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Horoscope for the week of June 7, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your purpose in life will be discovered this week when your oddly shaped body slides easily into the circus cannon.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: Do not sacrifice goats to Taurus. That's not how it works.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Though the Doors Of Perception have failed to open for you, the Doors Of Eating A Whole Box Of Dove Bars swing wide at your slightest touch.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    If you use the phrase "proactive revenue streaming" one more time, the stars will see to it that you never meet any handsome dark strangers again.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    It's never too late to start your life over, but hurryñyou have only minutes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Though they may do your bidding for the moment, beware: The robots are not your friends.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You have a distinct, everpresent odor. The stars indicate, however, that it shouldn't be considered a problem odor.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You are like a Greek god, what with the way you drink, cavort with shepherdesses, and throw your dishes around while shouting "Opa!"
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Romance will transform your life into a love story, one which comes to a deus ex machina ending when a 747 falls out of the sky and kills both of you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your argument that there is nothing in the Bible against your hobby falls apart when the prison pastor directs your attention to the Fifth Commandment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your life hits a new low when you overhear Todd Bridges asking Jerry Mathers what the hell ever happened to you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your spiritual transportation into a new dimension sours somewhat when it turns out to be a new dimension in wallcoverings.

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