Horoscope for the week of June 8, 2005

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Recent News

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of June 8, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be forced to run more than 50 miles by some cruel bastard who'll rig your hat with a fiendish device consisting of a candy bar, a piece of string, and a six-foot stick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always feared you might run into a problem that can't be fixed by the lessons learned in Tom T. Hall's lyrics, and now that you've been appointed the new U.S. Trade Representative, that day is finally here.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your constant back-talking to the manager and theft of company property would seem like grounds for firing, but due to irresponsible bookkeeping, they'll be cited as the reason for your company's jump in profits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're being subjected to lots of unwanted criticism as the new kid in your high school, but you should be able to handle the pressure better, considering you're 34.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You must learn to stop screaming "Rape! Rape!" at the top of your lungs. Everyone can see perfectly well what you're doing without the grandstanding narration.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a remarkably addictive personality, which is why junkies keep trying to extract it from your skull and inject it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The authorities are aware that you're struggling with your own manhood and how it relates to our phallocentric society, but please, just return the Wienermobile.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought you were so great with the clever wordplay, but as everyone else figured out long ago, you've just been unwittingly reciting Cole Porter lyrics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The movements of Saturn rising through your sign in combination with various solar-zodiacal harmonics indicate many complex changes, but basically women are going to start throwing shit at you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Voyager 1 is rapidly approaching the very outer edge of the solar system, although its radio transmissions simply refer to the distance as "almost far enough away from you."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that a certain software giant stole its graphic user interface from a smaller computer company, it stole its tendency to get locked up repeatedly from you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You bring about a revolution in meaningless chitchat this week when you engage in small talk so miniscule it can't be detected by non-golfers or people outside of upper management.