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Horoscope for the week of June 8, 2005

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Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 8, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be forced to run more than 50 miles by some cruel bastard who'll rig your hat with a fiendish device consisting of a candy bar, a piece of string, and a six-foot stick.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've always feared you might run into a problem that can't be fixed by the lessons learned in Tom T. Hall's lyrics, and now that you've been appointed the new U.S. Trade Representative, that day is finally here.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your constant back-talking to the manager and theft of company property would seem like grounds for firing, but due to irresponsible bookkeeping, they'll be cited as the reason for your company's jump in profits.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You're being subjected to lots of unwanted criticism as the new kid in your high school, but you should be able to handle the pressure better, considering you're 34.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You must learn to stop screaming "Rape! Rape!" at the top of your lungs. Everyone can see perfectly well what you're doing without the grandstanding narration.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You have a remarkably addictive personality, which is why junkies keep trying to extract it from your skull and inject it.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The authorities are aware that you're struggling with your own manhood and how it relates to our phallocentric society, but please, just return the Wienermobile.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You thought you were so great with the clever wordplay, but as everyone else figured out long ago, you've just been unwittingly reciting Cole Porter lyrics.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The movements of Saturn rising through your sign in combination with various solar-zodiacal harmonics indicate many complex changes, but basically women are going to start throwing shit at you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Voyager 1 is rapidly approaching the very outer edge of the solar system, although its radio transmissions simply refer to the distance as "almost far enough away from you."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    While it's true that a certain software giant stole its graphic user interface from a smaller computer company, it stole its tendency to get locked up repeatedly from you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You bring about a revolution in meaningless chitchat this week when you engage in small talk so miniscule it can't be detected by non-golfers or people outside of upper management.

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