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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 1999

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

Office Manager Unveils New Rule

WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

What Is The Alt-Right?

A recent speech by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton criticizing the “alt-right” movement and its support of Republican nominee Donald Trump has shone the national spotlight on the ideologically conservative group. Here’s what you need to know about the alt-right

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there are special rooms for that sort of thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict that everything will be pretty lousy for you this week. Not that they’re paying any special attention, really, but it seems to be the way to bet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will waste another nine hours having phone sex this week, but since your particular phone sex doesn't require calling anyone, at least you won’t waste any money.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have not actually been an anthropologist for the past three years. You are actually an anthropophagist.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is surprised you still care what she has to say, after all the time you’ve been spending with that slut the Tarot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If financial woes continue to affect your mood, try doing some shopping. That always cheers you up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will receive a drunken late-night call from Tom Wopat, who was going through some old fan mail and decided to accept your 1978 marriage proposal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your visit to the U.S. Senate becomes awkward when you are unable to stop giggling at the term "body politic."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Christ will appear to you in a dream this week. A dream, do you hear? It was a dream! It didn’t really happen! Now get ahold of yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would like to remind you that this is our annual community-outreach week, so smile, be polite, and remember to Make Yourself Aquari-Useful!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become rich and beautiful and loved by all and everyone will want to be your friend and it will be that way forever. Now please stop calling.

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