adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of June 9, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there are special rooms for that sort of thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict that everything will be pretty lousy for you this week. Not that they’re paying any special attention, really, but it seems to be the way to bet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will waste another nine hours having phone sex this week, but since your particular phone sex doesn't require calling anyone, at least you won’t waste any money.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have not actually been an anthropologist for the past three years. You are actually an anthropophagist.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is surprised you still care what she has to say, after all the time you’ve been spending with that slut the Tarot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If financial woes continue to affect your mood, try doing some shopping. That always cheers you up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will receive a drunken late-night call from Tom Wopat, who was going through some old fan mail and decided to accept your 1978 marriage proposal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your visit to the U.S. Senate becomes awkward when you are unable to stop giggling at the term "body politic."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Christ will appear to you in a dream this week. A dream, do you hear? It was a dream! It didn’t really happen! Now get ahold of yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would like to remind you that this is our annual community-outreach week, so smile, be polite, and remember to Make Yourself Aquari-Useful!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become rich and beautiful and loved by all and everyone will want to be your friend and it will be that way forever. Now please stop calling.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close