Aries | March 21 to April 19
Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there are special rooms for that sort of thing.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars predict that everything will be pretty lousy for you this week. Not that they’re paying any special attention, really, but it seems to be the way to bet.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You will waste another nine hours having phone sex this week, but since your particular phone sex doesn't require calling anyone, at least you won’t waste any money.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have not actually been an anthropologist for the past three years. You are actually an anthropophagist.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Virgo is surprised you still care what she has to say, after all the time you’ve been spending with that slut the Tarot.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
If financial woes continue to affect your mood, try doing some shopping. That always cheers you up.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will receive a drunken late-night call from Tom Wopat, who was going through some old fan mail and decided to accept your 1978 marriage proposal.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your visit to the U.S. Senate becomes awkward when you are unable to stop giggling at the term "body politic."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Christ will appear to you in a dream this week. A dream, do you hear? It was a dream! It didn’t really happen! Now get ahold of yourself.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Aquarius would like to remind you that this is our annual community-outreach week, so smile, be polite, and remember to Make Yourself Aquari-Useful!
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will become rich and beautiful and loved by all and everyone will want to be your friend and it will be that way forever. Now please stop calling.
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