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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 1999

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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Nothing will be able to stop you from developing an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, especially in the area of the nightly prime-time-television schedule.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You must learn to control your natural urges. What you feel may be hard to hold back, but there are special rooms for that sort of thing.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars predict that everything will be pretty lousy for you this week. Not that they’re paying any special attention, really, but it seems to be the way to bet.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You will waste another nine hours having phone sex this week, but since your particular phone sex doesn't require calling anyone, at least you won’t waste any money.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Due to a misunderstanding on your part, you have not actually been an anthropologist for the past three years. You are actually an anthropophagist.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is surprised you still care what she has to say, after all the time you’ve been spending with that slut the Tarot.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    If financial woes continue to affect your mood, try doing some shopping. That always cheers you up.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will receive a drunken late-night call from Tom Wopat, who was going through some old fan mail and decided to accept your 1978 marriage proposal.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your visit to the U.S. Senate becomes awkward when you are unable to stop giggling at the term "body politic."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Christ will appear to you in a dream this week. A dream, do you hear? It was a dream! It didn’t really happen! Now get ahold of yourself.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Aquarius would like to remind you that this is our annual community-outreach week, so smile, be polite, and remember to Make Yourself Aquari-Useful!
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will become rich and beautiful and loved by all and everyone will want to be your friend and it will be that way forever. Now please stop calling.

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