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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:
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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.

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