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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.

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