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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

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The Pros And Cons Of Taking A Gap Year

Malia Obama will wait a year between graduating high school and attending Harvard in 2017, in what is becoming a rising trend among American students. Here are the pros and cons of taking a gap year:

God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.

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