Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Horoscope for the week of June 9, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll accidentally stumble upon the secret of the Dim Mak Death Touch this Thursday—which, as luck would have it, is your first day as a massage therapist.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While you were never officially partnered up with him in the first place, Art Garfunkel will make a big deal out of reuniting with you.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your loved ones are willing to respect your wishes regarding your funeral, but if you keep changing your mind about the music, they'll think you're stalling.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll be forced to dress up as a member of the opposite sex and adopt a monkey in order to inherit $1 million, but it'll go off without a hitch.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Some news sources will concentrate on your elderly victims, others on the slain children, and quite a few on the kittens.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Demented surgeons will drive a half-inch steel rod through your cheeks and attach it to a water-skiing towrope, but unfortunately, they'll lose the bet that made them do it in the first place.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You had no idea that America's network of salt-mining tunnels was so vast, or that it would take you so long to starve once you got lost in it.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom, you'll hear all 59 of them perfectly.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Marcus Aurelius said to always honor the human faculty which produces opinions, proving once and for all that he never met you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You'll be surprised to find out that Congress is empowered to forcibly sublet your apartment for the summer.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars foretell your life continuing in much the way it always has for the next few months.
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