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Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.

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