Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 07

CNN Headline News Reporter Unafraid To Face The Cold, Hard Factoids

ATLANTA–In an interview in the March issue of Brill's Content, CNN Headline News anchor Lynne Russell described herself as "committed to reporting the cold, hard factoids, no matter what the cost." In the candid interview, Russell is quoted as saying, "Americans eat 850 million pounds of cranberry sauce each Thanksgiving. You may not want to hear that, but it's an undeniable factoid, and I am going to report it." Russell came under fire last year for a controversial report alleging that the average pair of shoes is worn for 14 months.

Alex Trebek Deftly Prolongs Agonizing Small Talk

BURBANK, CA–Alex Trebek, host of the popular quiz show Jeopardy, deftly prolonged a mid-show chat with contestant Paula Riel into an agonizing 45 seconds Monday. "So, do you meet many interesting or famous people in your job?" Trebek asked Riel, a 33-year-old Norwalk, CT, flight attendant, during the informal "meet the contestants" portion of the broadcast. Upon hearing that Riel had once served a Diet Coke to actor Jeff Daniels, Trebek responded, "He's a very talented actor, although I understand that his latest film was not such a big hit. That's very unfortunate for him." Riel responded by nodding in a non-committal manner.

Local Welder Suffering From Welder's Block

EASTON, PA–Area welder Bruce Meacham admitted Monday that he is suffering from a severe case of welder's block. "I know what I want to do," Meacham said. "I need to get this supporting strut attached to the main body of this girder. But I keep running into a wall every time I sit down and try to actually weld." Meacham said he spent the better part of last Saturday putting on his goggles, starting up his acetylene torch, and then merely staring at the two pieces of metal for hours. "You've got to understand, welding is a creative act," Meacham said. "It's not the kind of thing where you can just punch the clock and do it from nine to five."

Hillary's Last Name Dropped From Senate Race

ONEONTA, NY–Ending weeks of speculation, Hillary Clinton's campaign manager confirmed Monday that the Democratic candidate is dropping her last name from the New York Senate race. "After much consideration, Hillary has decided that she can run a leaner, more effective campaign with just her first name," Howard Wolfson announced at a rally in Oneonta. "We thank all of Hillary's supporters, and all the citizens of the great state of New York, for standing by her on her road to becoming 'Senator Hillary.'" Hillary is married to politician Bill Clinton.

Violence On Ice

On Feb. 21, Boston Bruins defenseman Marty McSorley was suspended for the rest of the season for a savage stick hit to the head of Vancouver Canucks left winger Donald Brashear. What do you think of this latest incident of NHL violence and the possibility of criminal prosecution?
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.
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