Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.
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