Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of March 1, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your love is a burning love, one whose tremendous depth and strength is not to be denied. Too bad it's a love of pancakes.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will make an exciting and final journey about halfway over water this week.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will make chess history when you discover that Fisher's fabled Moscow Gambit can be beaten through the use of treachery, deceit, and land mines.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There may or may not be a new star in Cancer's sky, depending on whether you think Kris Kristofferson is a star.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Though your fiendish plan is overly complicated and bound to fail, everyone agrees that it is remarkably fiendish.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    With the help of an especially long, hot shower, you will singlehandedly bring your apartment into the Age of Steam.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Another week goes by in which major heads of state fail to consult you on crucial foreign-policy decisions.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    If you continue to be persistent in asking Dr. Love, he'll eventually answer. Then you'll be really sorry.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    This is no time to selfishly put your own needs before those of loved ones. Wait for summer.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your wife will scream another man's name in the heat of passion, launching you on a 30-year quest to find and kill this mysterious "Honey."
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Most disagreements result from either things you do or things you say. Notice that we did not say "things one does or says," as it's all you.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars indicate through little hints and asides that their birthday is coming up, and they would just love that adorable little tennis bracelet.