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Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.

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