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Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.

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