Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 10

Every Song On Radio Reminds Man Of Red Sox Loss

BOSTON—Every song on the radio reminds Red Sox fan Patrick O'Malley of the team's loss to the New York Yankees in Game 7 of the 2003 American League Championship Series. "'One Call Away' on 94.5 reminded me of how [manager] Grady Little's call kept Pedro Martinez on the mound in the eighth," O'Malley said Monday. "So I flipped over to 97.9, but then Van Halen's 'Poundcake' reminded me of how Yankee batter Aaron Boone pounded Tim Wakefield's knuckleball over the fence." O'Malley then switched to AM radio, where a farm report reminded him of that corndog he threw on the ground when Boone crossed home plate in the game's 11th inning.

Study: 58 Percent Of U.S. Exercise Televised

WASHINGTON, DC—According to a new Department of Health and Human Services study, 58 percent of all exercise performed in the U.S. is broadcast on television. "Of the 3.5 billion push-ups performed in 2003, 2.03 billion took place on exercise shows on the Lifetime Network and ESPN3 or fitness segments on Good Morning America," the study read. "The abundance of TV exercise would create the impression that America is a healthy society, if everyone didn't already know that we're a bunch of disgusting, near-immobile spectators." The DHHS study also indicated that 99.3 percent of the nation's Soloflex workouts are televised.

Dog Trying Its Absolute Hardest

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Woofers, the Eli family's high-spirited, 3-year-old Scottish terrier, is trying his absolute hardest at everything he does, family sources reported Monday. "Look at him," wife Jen Eli said as Woofers presented her with a tennis ball for the 22nd time that hour. "His tongue's out, his tail's wagging, he's bouncing all over the place trying to please us. There's only so much that a dog can accomplish, but Woofers is trying his best." Eli's utterance of the word "Woofers" spurred a frenzy of irrelevant leaping.

Republicans Retain Majority In Household

OMAHA, NE—In spite of a vocal Democratic following among the 16-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter demographics, Republicans managed to retain a slim majority in the Sanderson family, front-door exit polls revealed Monday. "Fortunately, strong Republican support among 48-year-old fathers and 46-year-old mothers won over the key swing vote among 6-year-olds named Timmy," speaker of the household Donald Sanderson said. "This, combined with the traditional Republican stronghold among visiting, over-60 grandparents, allowed Republicans to maintain control." The GOP has held the majority in the Sandersons' last 37 Sunday dinners.

Ask Kenneth Cole

Kenneth Cole is a syndicated columnist whose weekly advice column, Ask Kenneth Cole, appears in more than 250 newspapers nationwide.

I Can Make Things Right

Baby, my world is empty since you shut me out of your life that night. Things were so good between us. Open up your heart to me once again, and I will walk in and make you feel like twice the woman you are without me. All I need is one more chance. If you would give me that chance, I know I could make things right.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
  • Libra

    Libra

    The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
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