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Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.

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