adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of March 10, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close