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Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
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Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Past mistakes will come back to haunt you this week when your traffic-ticket hearing is complicated by the untimely discovery of those seven nurses in Oregon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will make headlines nationally when more than two dozen people witness your brutal, protracted public slaying and make no attempt whatsoever to help you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The triumphant return of Jesus turns sour when he demands to play keyboards for your Bad English tribute band.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your scheme to score with your date by slipping something into her drink while she goes off to the bathroom backfires when it turns out she despises the taste of Hydrox cookies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Aliens descend upon your house this week, implanting in your subconscious the stong suggestion to take up model railroading.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A great honor is bestowed upon you this week when Pam Dawber records a new answering-machine message for you free of charge.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dead father will cause awkwardness among your family this week when he is reincarnated as your son.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    To your great embarrassment, you discover this week that the purchase of a cellular phone does not require you to choose a "handle."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    During the celebration of your birthday, your best friend will crystallize your thoughts when she says, "This is the worst party ever."

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