Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

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What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 1, 2012

ARIES: You will experience unbounded happiness and success in every area of your life this week, unless of course there is something fundamentally and irreversibly wrong with you.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Roger Federer Stunned By Sheer Amount Of Trash On U.S. Open Courts

NEW YORK—Surveying the piles of wrappers, old newspapers, and empty bottles scattered around the playing surface during his pre-match warmups, world No. 2–ranked tennis player Roger Federer expressed utter disbelief Monday over the sheer amount of trash on the U.S. Open courts.

God Wondering How Far He Could Throw Earth

THE HEAVENS—His gaze shifting from the terrestrial planet out to the expanse of the universe and then back, The Lord Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly wondered aloud Tuesday just how far He could throw the Earth.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

    BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Past mistakes will come back to haunt you this week when your traffic-ticket hearing is complicated by the untimely discovery of those seven nurses in Oregon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will make headlines nationally when more than two dozen people witness your brutal, protracted public slaying and make no attempt whatsoever to help you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The triumphant return of Jesus turns sour when he demands to play keyboards for your Bad English tribute band.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your scheme to score with your date by slipping something into her drink while she goes off to the bathroom backfires when it turns out she despises the taste of Hydrox cookies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Aliens descend upon your house this week, implanting in your subconscious the stong suggestion to take up model railroading.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A great honor is bestowed upon you this week when Pam Dawber records a new answering-machine message for you free of charge.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dead father will cause awkwardness among your family this week when he is reincarnated as your son.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    To your great embarrassment, you discover this week that the purchase of a cellular phone does not require you to choose a "handle."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    During the celebration of your birthday, your best friend will crystallize your thoughts when she says, "This is the worst party ever."