adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

Top Headlines

Recent News

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of March 12, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will lose hundreds of dollars when you bet on author James Clavell to win, place and show in the Indy 500.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Past mistakes will come back to haunt you this week when your traffic-ticket hearing is complicated by the untimely discovery of those seven nurses in Oregon.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will make headlines nationally when more than two dozen people witness your brutal, protracted public slaying and make no attempt whatsoever to help you.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The triumphant return of Jesus turns sour when he demands to play keyboards for your Bad English tribute band.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your scheme to score with your date by slipping something into her drink while she goes off to the bathroom backfires when it turns out she despises the taste of Hydrox cookies.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your judgment is called into question when, despite the strong advice of your friends down in the marketing department, you decide to go ahead with plans to launch a winter invasion of Russia.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Aliens descend upon your house this week, implanting in your subconscious the stong suggestion to take up model railroading.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A great honor is bestowed upon you this week when Pam Dawber records a new answering-machine message for you free of charge.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Everything you desire shall be yours this week, providing you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your dead father will cause awkwardness among your family this week when he is reincarnated as your son.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    To your great embarrassment, you discover this week that the purchase of a cellular phone does not require you to choose a "handle."
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    During the celebration of your birthday, your best friend will crystallize your thoughts when she says, "This is the worst party ever."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close