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Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.

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