adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

Top Headlines

Recent News

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close