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What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.

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