Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Horoscope for the week of March 12, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's nothing wrong with you that a good night's sleep wouldn't cure. Assuming, of course, that you don't count the bone cancer.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    For the last time: It simply isn't true about Richard Gere. Please stop asking.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You've done endless reading on the subject and participated in hundreds of simulations, but you will still find yourself unprepared for actual sex.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your long search for a viable alternative energy source may finally be over when you discover a potent, readily available white powder that goes up your nose.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    A sign in your workplace boasts more than a thousand days without a lost-time accident, but that's only because they don't count your constant rebreaking of the same leg.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You'll eventually be the one to get the girl, thanks to your patience and the fact that you don't care that she's dead.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    The old ass-Xeroxing prank will go awry when your boss catches you in the act and makes you the ass-Xeroxing supervisor for the entire Northeast region.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You don't regret choosing the Jermaine Stewart classic for your personal theme song, but you're starting to think it would be nice to occasionally take your clothes off to have a good time.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    After months of soul-searching, you'll finally decide to write your memoirs, but it winds up taking less than three days.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your family will react to your declaration that you don't want a fancy, overblown funeral with relief and increased murder attempts.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Police will immediately rule you out as a suspect in the Case of the Impressive, Well-Spoken, Sexy Bandit.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The blood of legends will soon run in your veins, thanks to your purchase of a home legendary-blood transfusion kit.


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