Aries | March 21 to April 19
Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration.
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