Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

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Grin Slowly Spreads Across Mom’s Face As Meal Revealed To Contain Healthy Ingredients

‘The Mashed Potatoes Are Actually Made With Cauliflower,’ She Announces

VERONA, WI—Having waited until everyone at the table had finished their dinner Monday, a knowing grin reportedly spread across local mother Angela Hopkins’ face as she announced to her family that the mashed potatoes had in fact been made using cauliflower as a healthier alternative.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration.