Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases
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Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration.


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