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Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

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Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.

Jogger Clearly On First Run Of Plan To Turn Life Around

CHICAGO—Taking note of the man’s beat-up tennis shoes, sweat-drenched shirt, and ill-fitting pair of sweatpants as he made his way down the sidewalk, witnesses reported Tuesday that area jogger Dan Andreychuk was clearly out on his very first run of a plan to turn his life around.

What’s At Stake In New Hampshire

With the New Hampshire primary election Tuesday poised to impact the course of the 2016 presidential race, The Onion examines what’s at stake for the candidates
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration.

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