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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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Horoscope for the week of March 13, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Though everything seems to be going fine between you and your love interest, you will be stricken with cancer to create dramatic tension in the third act.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You will continue your pattern of taking two steps forward and thirty or forty back toward the nearest tavern.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your friend Nathan will continue to display talents and skills that make you seem boring by comparison.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your upcoming appearance on a popular wildlife show will provide a cautionary example to whale-watchers for years to come.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    When driving through the desert, you should never stop and eat mysterious piles of birdseed, even if "FREE BIRDSEED" signs are stuck in them.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will soon learn the hard way that "motherly love" means different things to different mothers.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You will be unable to get the Led Zeppelin song "Stairway To Heaven" out of your head after discovering an actual stairway to heaven in a vacant lot.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Pain and humiliation will be your lot when a scheduling snafu pits you against the Detroit Red Wings two nights in a row.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The paramedics will find it much easier to load you into the ambulance if they remember to bring a few buckets.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try not to hold those you love to impossible standards, such as being able to love you back.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will find it hard to emulate Alexander the Great as long as you are forced to work with Sandra the Dippy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Soon, you'll be savoring the sly satisfaction of getting away with something, but don't be too smug: That would be too much alliteration.

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