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Horoscope for the week of March 14, 2001

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Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

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God Loses Pouch Filled With Crystals That Give Him Powers

THE HEAVENS—Grumbling to Himself as He frantically retraced His steps across the Heavens, God Almighty, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness, admitted to reporters Monday that He had somehow managed to lose the pouch containing the enchanted crystals that give Him His powers.

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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.

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