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DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

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When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

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ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Horoscope for the week of March 14, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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