Aries | March 21 to April 19
There's a lot to be said for self-improvement, but making yourself more aerodynamic is probably a waste of time.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your generosity with others pays off this week when the terrorists spare most of the hostages in exchange for a helicopter and one million Swiss francs.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're one of those hyper-competitive sorts who believe that something as trivial as a foosball loss makes you a lesser person. Well, it does.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's time to end your long, foolish disagreement with an old friend. Her pronunciation of "tomato" is, in fact, correct.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Look at it this way: Nine times out of ten, you probably would have charmed that snake.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will commit a classic dating faux pas this week when, at a classy French bistro, you shoot your dinner companion 17 times.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your theory that the human scalp is an ablative heat shield designed to burn off upon re-entry into the atmosphere will be disproved in government tests.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Deny it all you want, but that giant robot from the Queen album cover is real and he hates you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Just because you once shoplifted a candy bar in Toronto, that doesn't make you a "suave international criminal."
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Try to overcome your fear of trains this week. Stand in front of one to prove it can't possibly hurt you.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You can't shake the feeling that there's much more to life than watching Rockford Files reruns all day. However, you can live with it.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
The stars expect you to be professional and abide by their decision to kill you off to boost ratings and move the sluggish storyline along.
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