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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."

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