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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."

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