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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."

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