Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

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Vol 36 Issue 09

Skittish Juniors-Department Clerk Calls Security Again

TALLAHASSEE, FL–Barb Leland, 51, a newly hired clerk in the JCPenney juniors department, called security for the third time in three days Monday. "There were these two teenage girls, and they were laughing loudly and pretending to talk to one of the mannequins," she said. "I just didn't want to take any chances." Leland added that 3 p.m. on a Monday is an odd time for a pair of teens to be shopping.

Sitcom On PBS Assumed To Be Intellectual

SALINAS, CA–Assuming the program to be an intellectually enriching treasure trove of highbrow delights, PBS viewer Ross Waymer immersed himself Monday in the BBC sitcom I Dare Say, Mr. Pumsby! "It's a biting, incisive satire of the British class system that simultaneously skewers and celebrates the social mores of the have-nots in post-Thatcher Britain," said Waymer, explaining to his wife a scene in which a man is repeatedly doused with buckets of paint. "And this one guy, he has to dress up as a lady to fool his landlord into thinking he's dead so he doesn't have to pay the rent."

Racist Merely Misspoke

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS–Apologizing for any misunderstanding, Holly Springs councilman Knox Jeffries explained Monday that he "merely misspoke" when he called African-American councilman Isaac Witherspoon "a dumb, spear-chucking porch monkey" during a Mar. 10 meeting. "I can see how my remarks could have been misconstrued as offensive, but I can assure you they were not intended as such," Jeffries said. "I am sorry for any hurt I may have inadvertently caused Ike, a fine, law-abiding Negro." Jeffries then extended an olive branch to Witherspoon, inviting him and his wife to his home for "a whole mess of collard greens and cornbread."

Terrifying Mutation Killing Off U.S. Cabinet Members One At A Time

WASHINGTON, DC–The slime-covered body of Commerce Secretary William Daley was found in a cocoon in the White House Monday, bringing the number of Cabinet members killed by the terrifying space mutation to five. "We're doing everything we can to stop this creature," said Transportation Secretary Rodney Slater, hiding somewhere in the White House with the other surviving Cabinet officials. "Unfortunately, you can't kill what you can't see." Added Slater: "What? Where's Alexis? I just saw her two seconds ago! Lord help us all." It is believed the secretaries will attempt to lure the shapeshifting mutation into the East Room and blast it through the airlock.

National Interest In Anything Hovering Around 3 Percent

PRINCETON, NJ–A Gallup poll released Monday reveals that only 3 percent of Americans describe themselves as "interested" or "very interested" in anything whatsoever. "America is hard-pressed to get excited about tonight's episode of Spin City, much less the situation in Chechnya," Gallup spokeswoman Jill Pierce said. "I guess there's just not all that much going on right now."

Suicide Attempts A Desperate Cry For Death

BOSTON–Mental-health professionals have long characterized attempted suicide as a desperate cry for help, the last-ditch plea of a wounded soul who, more than anything else, longs to live.

Cash-Room Bitch Be Havin' My Shortie

Heads up, y'all: Tha H-Dog's wildin' days be OVA. Now, I still be keepin' it real as tha Accountz Reeceevable Supervisa at Midstate Office Supply, so don't all y'all new-jack two-year accountin'-degree punks fresh outta community college be thinkin' about musclin' in on my turf, lest you want a Letta Opener Of Death in yo' ribcage. But, yo, y'all gots to understand, tha H-Dog gots a lot on his mind right now, an' he ain't bangin' like he used to, know what I'm sayin'? 'Cause, check this out, G's: I'm gonna be a daddy. One of tha Cash Room bitches, Agnes, be havin' my shortie.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Spring

Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."
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