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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of March 15, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your promise to be "the best sister in the world" if God saves your pet hamster is complicated by the fact that you have no siblings, you are not female, and Mr. Squeaks is a rat.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Shelley Long will briefly win back the nation's heart by repeatedly ringing your doorbell and running away.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You'll get your girlfriend pregnant, but don't worry: It isn't a human baby.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    That ever-present, inexplicable feeling of dread will begin to make a little more sense this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You are shocked and embarrassed when police tell you that "Manwiches" should be made from a canned-beef mix.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your shocking decision to pose nude in Cosmopolitan may not have created such a stir had you asked the editors' permission first.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your boast that you could solve the Arab-Israeli conflict with one hand tied behind your back comes back to haunt you when you try to escape Syria in a rowboat.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Save time: Exact bloody revenge now, before the bastards have a chance to wrong you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Your attempt to write a sensitive novel about close relationships is hampered by your never having had one.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The tranquil picture of your life will be shattered into a thousand pieces and scattered to the four winds, but not so that you'd notice.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You face the cold reality of getting older when you realize that you are no longer too sexy for your shirt.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be chilled to the very depths of your soul by the phrase "producer-director Rip Taylor."

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