Aries | March 21 to April 19
You'll be justifiably proud after turning your office into a savvy, high-tech marketing machine, but that's before it flies out of control and devastates half of Kansas City.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Although you've long considered yourself something of a singer/songwriter, investigators will weigh your slim notebook of lyrics against the butcher's heap in your basement and decide you're more of a torturer/killer.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Although you admit that the thick layer of yellow fat around your heart is a threat to your health, you're not sure about your physician's plan to replace it with a thick layer of pink fiberglass insulation.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your ownership of a smoldering powder keg attached to a ticking time bomb continues to be a powerful, if mixed, metaphor.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your friends will laugh at your clanking, smoke-belching, jerry-rigged contraption, but they'll have to respect its ability to make a really outstanding cup of coffee.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Not only is the large, twisting antler on your forehead a source of constant pain and ridicule, it's also considered a powerful aphrodisiac by many cultures.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Topological mathematicians will soon find a way to define the Gaussian curvature of a surface M in such a way as to prove that you suck.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll be able to trace your lineage all the way back to the War of the Roses, thanks to the Royal Society for Keeping Track of Drunken Syphilitic Half-Wits and Their Bastard Offspring.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
It is prophesied that you shall walk in beauty all the days of your life, but you'll still spend your nights going to squalid little bars with the same old crowd.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You're eagerly keeping an eye out for the first robin of spring, but the tightly knit robin community hasn't forgotten what happened last year and has blacklisted your entire neighborhood.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You've heard that there's little anyone can do to shed any light on the eternal mysteries of the human heart, but you figure that's because they haven't used bright enough torches.
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