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Horoscope for the week of March 16, 2005

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

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Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

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Horoscope for the week of March 16, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll be justifiably proud after turning your office into a savvy, high-tech marketing machine, but that's before it flies out of control and devastates half of Kansas City.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Although you've long considered yourself something of a singer/songwriter, investigators will weigh your slim notebook of lyrics against the butcher's heap in your basement and decide you're more of a torturer/killer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Although you admit that the thick layer of yellow fat around your heart is a threat to your health, you're not sure about your physician's plan to replace it with a thick layer of pink fiberglass insulation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your ownership of a smoldering powder keg attached to a ticking time bomb continues to be a powerful, if mixed, metaphor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your friends will laugh at your clanking, smoke-belching, jerry-rigged contraption, but they'll have to respect its ability to make a really outstanding cup of coffee.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Not only is the large, twisting antler on your forehead a source of constant pain and ridicule, it's also considered a powerful aphrodisiac by many cultures.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Topological mathematicians will soon find a way to define the Gaussian curvature of a surface M in such a way as to prove that you suck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll be able to trace your lineage all the way back to the War of the Roses, thanks to the Royal Society for Keeping Track of Drunken Syphilitic Half-Wits and Their Bastard Offspring.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It is prophesied that you shall walk in beauty all the days of your life, but you'll still spend your nights going to squalid little bars with the same old crowd.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You're eagerly keeping an eye out for the first robin of spring, but the tightly knit robin community hasn't forgotten what happened last year and has blacklisted your entire neighborhood.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You've heard that there's little anyone can do to shed any light on the eternal mysteries of the human heart, but you figure that's because they haven't used bright enough torches.

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