Horoscope for the week of March 16, 2005

In This Section

Vol 41 Issue 11

Every Time Area Man Drops By, Friend Is Watching The Big Lebowski

CLEARWATER, FL—No matter what time of day he stops by for a visit, Barry Jensen always catches friend Scott Dupre watching the film The Big Lebowski. "[Scott] has about 40 movies on his shelf, so I don't know why he needs to watch The Big Lebowski over and over," Jensen told reporters Monday. "I don't know if he's just too lazy to change the DVD or if he's trying to memorize the lines, or what." Jensen estimated that, in visiting Dupre, he has walked in on the bowling dream sequence with that Kenny Rogers song six times.

AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of young professionals criticized the American Association of Retired Persons at a press conference Monday, calling the organization "woefully out of step with the general public." "These AARPsters are the old guard of a bygone era, and it's time to bring them down," said Troy Hebner, president of the organization Stop The Aged, which aims to lessen the AARP's lobbying power. "A full 100 percent of their membership is over age 55. Many of them no longer even work. What could their views on Social Security and health insurance have to do with us?" In December, Stop The Aged made headlines by threatening to file a $1 billion age-discrimination lawsuit against the AARP.

Gym Membership Doomed From Day One

LOMPOC, CA—The Bally Total Fitness membership purchased Monday by Alex Scarbe already appears destined for failure. "I really should go buy some new shoes, so I can come back tomorrow and work out," Scarbe said, moments after completing the membership paperwork. "Just getting in here and signing up is enough for today. I think I'll reward myself with a smoothie." Scarbe will return to Bally's twice in April, then once in May to use the whirlpool, and ultimately cancel his membership in 2007, when he notices Bally listed on his credit-card statement.

Thwarting Of Arch Nemesis Leaves Sky Commander Feeling Empty

NEW YORK—From his secret headquarters high atop the Chrysler Building, Sky Commander Rex Brady said Monday that he has been filled with ennui ever since he apprehended his archenemy, The Nefarious Dr. Disaster. "What's the use?" said Commander Brady, slumped over H.I.L.D.A., his supercomputer and confidant. "Without him, I'm just another masked, muscle-bound, unemployed phony." H.I.L.D.A. responded by encouraging Brady to pursue his other interests, like helping needy children and learning how to prepare Mediterranean cuisine.

This Year's Oscars Blew Me Away

Item! You could have knocked me over with a feather after the 77th Annual Academy Awards. It wasn't just because of all the Oscar upsets, but also because of the new direction the ceremony has taken. Christopher Rock is no Billy Crystal, but he sure did shake things up. His bit with comedy king Adam Sandler was golden. And boy, did he make Chris Penn mad when he asked who Clive Owen was! I'm being kind of glib about that last one. I saw where Rock was coming from, but I thought Mr. Penn made a good point, too. He was right to stand up for one of our generation's finest actors, who has graced us with great performances in films like Alfy and Sky Colonel And The World Of Tomorrowland. And if you can't stand up for what's right at the Oscars, where can you do that?

Tougher Bankruptcy Laws

Last week, the Senate made moves toward approving pro-business legislation that will make it harder for individuals to file for bankruptcy. What do you think?
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Personal Finance

Energy

Horoscope for the week of March 16, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll be justifiably proud after turning your office into a savvy, high-tech marketing machine, but that's before it flies out of control and devastates half of Kansas City.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Although you've long considered yourself something of a singer/songwriter, investigators will weigh your slim notebook of lyrics against the butcher's heap in your basement and decide you're more of a torturer/killer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Although you admit that the thick layer of yellow fat around your heart is a threat to your health, you're not sure about your physician's plan to replace it with a thick layer of pink fiberglass insulation.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    In yet another odd grandstanding ploy for attention, the Irish Republican Army has offered to shoot you.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your ownership of a smoldering powder keg attached to a ticking time bomb continues to be a powerful, if mixed, metaphor.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your friends will laugh at your clanking, smoke-belching, jerry-rigged contraption, but they'll have to respect its ability to make a really outstanding cup of coffee.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Not only is the large, twisting antler on your forehead a source of constant pain and ridicule, it's also considered a powerful aphrodisiac by many cultures.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Topological mathematicians will soon find a way to define the Gaussian curvature of a surface M in such a way as to prove that you suck.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You'll be able to trace your lineage all the way back to the War of the Roses, thanks to the Royal Society for Keeping Track of Drunken Syphilitic Half-Wits and Their Bastard Offspring.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It is prophesied that you shall walk in beauty all the days of your life, but you'll still spend your nights going to squalid little bars with the same old crowd.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You're eagerly keeping an eye out for the first robin of spring, but the tightly knit robin community hasn't forgotten what happened last year and has blacklisted your entire neighborhood.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You've heard that there's little anyone can do to shed any light on the eternal mysteries of the human heart, but you figure that's because they haven't used bright enough torches.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More