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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene Paulette Freely to something more dignified.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Now that Ray Nitschke has passed on, Dick Butkus will be assigned to follow you around and keep you on your toes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lack of purpose in life prompts you to turn to the phone book, where you find the inspiration and strength you need to go on.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your sighs of relief over the recent asteroid false alarm will be short-lived, as you have developed thick, yellow toenail fungus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your efforts to fit in are failing, but it's not entirely your fault. Try relocating to a place where the locals tend to be more tolerant of people with giant, pulsating humps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The same people who called you a big fat walrus will suck up to you shamelessly when you are chosen to star in the hot new CBS sitcom Mrs. Folds' Slovenly Adventures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You finally come to terms with the brutal, unsolved 1974 murder of your little brother when you remember that you beat him to death with an ice skate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid putting too much faith in trite, vaguely worded generalizations that concern your future.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will abandon all rational thought and join a cult that worships a jealous old man with a white beard who can read your mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone wants to earn your favor this week. This is because you are a judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your goal of adopting a more open, European approach to your sexuality will be denounced by every nation in Europe except Germany.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be down to your last biscuit, but it seems that no one will help you out from under the log.

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