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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene Paulette Freely to something more dignified.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Now that Ray Nitschke has passed on, Dick Butkus will be assigned to follow you around and keep you on your toes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lack of purpose in life prompts you to turn to the phone book, where you find the inspiration and strength you need to go on.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your sighs of relief over the recent asteroid false alarm will be short-lived, as you have developed thick, yellow toenail fungus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your efforts to fit in are failing, but it's not entirely your fault. Try relocating to a place where the locals tend to be more tolerant of people with giant, pulsating humps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The same people who called you a big fat walrus will suck up to you shamelessly when you are chosen to star in the hot new CBS sitcom Mrs. Folds' Slovenly Adventures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You finally come to terms with the brutal, unsolved 1974 murder of your little brother when you remember that you beat him to death with an ice skate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid putting too much faith in trite, vaguely worded generalizations that concern your future.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will abandon all rational thought and join a cult that worships a jealous old man with a white beard who can read your mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone wants to earn your favor this week. This is because you are a judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your goal of adopting a more open, European approach to your sexuality will be denounced by every nation in Europe except Germany.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be down to your last biscuit, but it seems that no one will help you out from under the log.

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