Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your attempt to publish your account of a year-long trip down China's Yellow River will meet with strong opposition. Change your name from Irene Paulette Freely to something more dignified.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Now that Ray Nitschke has passed on, Dick Butkus will be assigned to follow you around and keep you on your toes.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your lack of purpose in life prompts you to turn to the phone book, where you find the inspiration and strength you need to go on.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your sighs of relief over the recent asteroid false alarm will be short-lived, as you have developed thick, yellow toenail fungus.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your efforts to fit in are failing, but it's not entirely your fault. Try relocating to a place where the locals tend to be more tolerant of people with giant, pulsating humps.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    The same people who called you a big fat walrus will suck up to you shamelessly when you are chosen to star in the hot new CBS sitcom Mrs. Folds' Slovenly Adventures.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You finally come to terms with the brutal, unsolved 1974 murder of your little brother when you remember that you beat him to death with an ice skate.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Avoid putting too much faith in trite, vaguely worded generalizations that concern your future.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will abandon all rational thought and join a cult that worships a jealous old man with a white beard who can read your mind.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Everyone wants to earn your favor this week. This is because you are a judge on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your goal of adopting a more open, European approach to your sexuality will be denounced by every nation in Europe except Germany.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will soon be down to your last biscuit, but it seems that no one will help you out from under the log.


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