adBlockCheck

Recent News

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close