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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.

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