Aries | March 21 to April 19
Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.
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