Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

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Vol 35 Issue 10

Ham Glazed To Dangerously Delicious Levels

PEORIA, IL—The EPA issued a warning Monday to the greater Peoria area regarding the "dangerously delicious" ham being prepared by Cora Daly of Riverside Street. "Mrs. Daly has gone too far in overglazing this already succulent and flavorful ham," the report read. "If emergency de-appetizing measures are not implemented immediately, the ham may reach catastrophically mouth-watering levels of sweet ham-tastic goodness." The report criticized Daly for "willfully and recklessly" adding fresh pineapple slices to the surface of the ham, "ignoring the obvious threat posed to the willpower of area diners."

Woman Ejected From Bed In Cracker-Eating Incident

IRVINE, CA—Citing "insufficient looks," Charles Hausner, 31, threw Amy Glass out of his bed Monday after catching the 27-year-old consuming Saltines. According to Hausner, Glass was not attractive enough to warrant special in-bed cracker-eating privileges. "Had she looked like Claudia Schiffer, I most certainly would have let the transgression slide and allowed her to stay in my bed and get crumbs all over the sheets," Hausner said. "But she doesn't, so I had no choice but to kick her out."

Mourners Unable To Comprehend Last 20 Minutes Of Kubrick's Life

CHILDWICK GREEN, ENGLAND—Mourners at Stanley Kubrick's funeral expressed confusion Friday over the baffling, non-narrative final minutes of the director's life. "I really didn't get it," attendee Ron Blum said of Kubrick's climactic death scene. "I understood the convulsions and heavy sweats, but the whole swirling-colored-lights part of the 'beyond infinity' sequence? It just didn't make sense." Fellow mourner Steven Spielberg said he thought the disorienting editing of the deathbed sequence was meant to represent the chaos inherent in nature, but admitted that he "wasn't positive."

Report: One In Five Americans Currently Holding For The Next Available Representative

PRINCETON, NJ—A study released Monday by Princeton University found that 20 percent of all Americans are currently waiting for the next available representative. "At this moment, some 50 million of us are on hold," study head William Voss told reporters while waiting to talk to a Con Edison operator about an error in his February gas bill. "I myself have been on hold for 13 minutes now." Voss assured Americans that their calls would be answered in the order they were received.

eBay Under Fire

Last week, it was reported that eBay.com, the popular, minimally monitored Internet auction house, is being investigated by the federal government for "possible illegal transactions." What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries

    Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
  • Libra

    Libra

    After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.
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