Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of March 17, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop blaming your problems on the people in your life. Blame various government agencies instead.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You've considered becoming many things in your life, but you'll be truly surprised to wind up becoming this season's hot new pie filling.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Despite everything you will experience this week, take heart: Not all mustachioed, top-hat-wearing gentlemen tie Geminis to railroad tracks.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful. Someone you know has fallen under the influence of an illogical, self-contradictory Middle Eastern religion.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your long-standing fear of flowing water will be tragically vindicated on Tuesday.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    All the world loves a lover. Up to a point, that is, and providing, of course, he or she has permission.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    After years of hard work and clawing your way to the top of your profession, the powers that be will finally grant you a lamp and a new dry-erase board.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There are more important things in life than the new Star Wars movie, but not in your particular life.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Don't worry, somebody out there loves you. With any luck, the authorities should have him in custody very soon.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    There will always be people who doubt your vision and laugh derisively at your dream. That is, after all, what makes this country great.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though your best years are behind you, take comfort in the fact that your worst years are nearly behind you, as well.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be overcome this week by the feeling that the stars are speaking directly to you, Nikki Britton of DeKalb Avenue, Brooklyn, NY.