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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

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Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.

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