Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

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Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.


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