Aries | March 21 to April 19
Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.
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