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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.

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