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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of March 17, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Many consider you a big teddy bear, but due to unwise forays past the boundaries of sanity, you're now more teddy bear than man.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A high-speed car chase, complete with a gun battle, will do a lot to convince you that not all real-estate brokers are the same.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You're happy you set a new world record, but you were hoping to win the award for pancake eating, not fingernail length.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    All men are created equal, which means a just God has compensated for your laser vision in a rather embarrassing way.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You'll achieve fame and get into all the best clubs when Danger Mouse mixes you into his next album.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Through the impressive process of extending Orion's celestial finger, the stars indicate that you should fuck off.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    There's no one less deserving of an ever-present entourage of beautiful, talented backup singers than you, but no one said life was fair.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    A long-standing problem of order in the universe will be solved when you obtain an under-sink rack to hold your loose cookie sheets, baking pans, and pot lids.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You will spend hours this week engaged in a bizarre political debate over whether guns can kill people.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Your reputation for staying on the cutting edge of trial law is reinforced when you become your city's first cutthroat gay-divorce lawyer.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    America's little girls refuse to let you cure your rare but adorable form of anemia, in which little elves with big blue eyes siphon your blood while you sleep.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    New directions in evolutionary theory make it possible for people to be disgusted at what you evolved from.

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