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Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.

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