Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.