Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

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Vol 31 Issue 10

Radio Talk-Show Caller To Make Point

NEW YORK—In a move sure to enhance listener interest, Bob from Maryland announced plans Monday to make a point next week on the nationally syndicated call-in show Inside Politics With Tony Meiller. "I am going to make a point about the recent fund-raising scandals," Bob from Maryland said. "Then Mr. Meiller will respond to my remarks. It will be interesting."

Barry White De-Euphemized

WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Supreme Court ordered the music of '70s R&B love man Barry White to be de-euphemized Monday. According to the court order, White's lush, steamy, romantic ballads "will no longer contain lyrics which are merely suggestive, but instead will offer specific, clinically detailed descriptions of the sex acts they have long represented." The word "love," used often by White, will be digitally remastered on all recordings and changed to "prolonged intercourse." The pronoun "I" will be replaced with "10-inch erect penis." The hit songs "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe," will be renamed, respectively, "I'm Gonna Penetrate You From Behind Just Six-And-A-Half Hours More, Baby" and "Can't Get Enough Of Your Firm, Juicy Breasts, Babe."

'Must-See TV' Now Enforced By Law

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, President Clinton signed into law the much-discussed "Must-See TV" bill, which requires all Americans to watch NBC's Thursday-night prime-time line-up. "With the signing of this bill, the phrase 'Must-See TV' is no longer merely a strong suggestion by NBC; it is a federally backed order," Clinton said. The president stressed that under the new law, viewers would be required to watch not only the top-rated, Emmy-winning programs Seinfeld, Friends and ER, but also "all of the crappy programs sandwiched in between." Failure to watch Must-See TV will result in fines of up to $250,000 and up to 10 years in federal prison.

Ketchup Not Fancy Enough For Local Man

MEDFORD, MA—Medford resident Bob Schroeder spoke out Monday against a ketchup packet he recently acquired at a local restaurant, claiming it was not fancy enough. "The label on the packet clearly indicated it was 'fancy' ketchup, but upon breaking the packet's seal, it was clear that the ketchup was not very fancy at all. In fact, it appeared to be quite ordinary." Melvin Burr, a spokesperson for the manufacturer of the ketchup, denied any wrongdoing. "Our ketchup is processed in accordance with all federal fanciness standards, including the stipulation that all our factory workers be duchesses."

Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

Boy George? More Like Girl George, If You Ask Me!

I was watching VH1 the other day, and I saw a video by a rock band called The Culture Club. Now, their song, called "Karma Chameleon," was catchy and pleasant, but I couldn't tell if the lead singer was a man or a woman! I consulted the popular magazines, but, surprisingly, I was not able to find anything on this group. So, my intern did a quick computer search and came up with some juicy info, just the way I like it! So, here's the scoop on these up-and-comers: The lead singer is named Boy George, and he is a man, even though he dresses like a woman. (And not a very well-dressed woman, at that!) All evidence points to him being gay, which, of course, is not a big deal at all to an enlightened man of the 1990s like myself. The other members of The Culture Club all seem to be normal and well-adjusted, seeing as there's very little that appears in the papers about them. Go out and buy their album, called Greatest Hits, and remember—you heard it here first!

I'll Smoke Anything

Some guys brag that they only smoke weed. Powerful people often only smoke Cuban cigars. A lot of cigarette smokers are proud of their brand loyalty. Some smoke only herbal cigarettes. Others smoke only Indian beedies. Why's everyone so picky? I don't understand. Me? I'll smoke anything!

Those Do-Gooders Get On My Nerves!

Yesterday, one of those self-righteous spinsters from the Ladies' Auxiliary came to protest my treatment of several orphans who were begging at my front gate. The miserable whelps would yowl songs in the hopes of receiving a ha'penny and a moldy hardtack biscuit or two. Naturally, I had my manservant Standish tell them to buzz off. When they responded with groans and other expressions of insolence, I ordered Standish to release the bear.

Notorious R.I.P.

The Notorious B.I.G. was shot to death last week, almost six months to the day after fellow "gangsta" rapper Tupac Shakur was killed. What do you think about the escalating violence in the rap world?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries

    After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.
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