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Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of March 19, 1997

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.

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