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Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ruthlessness in carrying out love-triangle arbitrage will earn you a fearsome reputation as a short-term emotional-bond trader.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nothing you've been told will prepare you for the pain of childbirth, especially when your daughter bursts from your brow, decapitating you instantly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's true that the best things in life are free, but you've never been the kind of person who demands quality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The ghost of Roger Troutman magically appears to you whenever you do something funky, which explains why you've seen him only once.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought pulling off the heist would be as easy as taking candy from a baby, but then you found out the four tons of fine imported Italian chocolates had to be kept at a constant temperature.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Upon your death this Friday, you'll find that entrance to heaven is granted only to members and those non-members who first agree to view a half-millennium sales presentation for condos in Elysium.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Many major changes are ahead for you this week, but you'll probably give most of your attention to the changes involving temperature, altitude, and brain activity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be overcome with a mixture of empathy and annoyance when you accidentally stumble into the closet where all the suppressed homosexuals hang out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have an irrefutable message concerning the importance of psychoactive drugs in personal development, but no one will heed your boring, hyper-rational lectures.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In your quest for supremacy, you'll be accused of overlooking the human cost. But you'll know that's ridiculous—you've already spent well over $700.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone is aware that you don't care what the people say, but that doesn't mean they'll listen when you tell them you're going to love them anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your willingness to gamble on extreme long shots is endearing, but you never should've bet your life savings on the Bears to win the 1986 world championship.

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