adBlockCheck

Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your ruthlessness in carrying out love-triangle arbitrage will earn you a fearsome reputation as a short-term emotional-bond trader.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Nothing you've been told will prepare you for the pain of childbirth, especially when your daughter bursts from your brow, decapitating you instantly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    It's true that the best things in life are free, but you've never been the kind of person who demands quality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    The ghost of Roger Troutman magically appears to you whenever you do something funky, which explains why you've seen him only once.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You thought pulling off the heist would be as easy as taking candy from a baby, but then you found out the four tons of fine imported Italian chocolates had to be kept at a constant temperature.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Upon your death this Friday, you'll find that entrance to heaven is granted only to members and those non-members who first agree to view a half-millennium sales presentation for condos in Elysium.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Many major changes are ahead for you this week, but you'll probably give most of your attention to the changes involving temperature, altitude, and brain activity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You'll be overcome with a mixture of empathy and annoyance when you accidentally stumble into the closet where all the suppressed homosexuals hang out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You have an irrefutable message concerning the importance of psychoactive drugs in personal development, but no one will heed your boring, hyper-rational lectures.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    In your quest for supremacy, you'll be accused of overlooking the human cost. But you'll know that's ridiculous—you've already spent well over $700.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Everyone is aware that you don't care what the people say, but that doesn't mean they'll listen when you tell them you're going to love them anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Your willingness to gamble on extreme long shots is endearing, but you never should've bet your life savings on the Bears to win the 1986 world championship.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close