Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

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Vol 41 Issue 09

Meek Coworker Taken Down A Notch

MT. VERNON, IL—Patty Walther, a passive, mousy administrative assistant at Datalock Inc., was put in her place Tuesday by sales representative Martin Challey. "Oh, thank you for coming all the way over to my desk to return that valuable pen," Challey said sarcastically. "I don't know how I could've gotten any work done without it. I might've had to use one of the other 20 pens right in front of me." Challey last berated Walther Monday, when the quiet coworker brought in a plate of homemade brownies.

Knife-Throwing, Plate-Spinning Congressman Dominates Newscasts

WASHINGTON, DC—The cries of political grandstanding that have followed him throughout his career do not discourage Rep. "Fantastic" Frank Pallone Jr. (D-NJ), the knife-throwing, plate-spinning congressman. "Don't blink, Koppel," the blindfolded congressman said on Nightline, tossing knives over his shoulder at balloons held by Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA). "These are real knives, folks!" Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) denounced the wild and wonderful show, saying that "the nation should be focusing on the Social Security crisis, not cheap tricks—no matter how spine-tingling they may be." In response to Frist, Pallone said, "The GOP would attack anything that didn't further the regressive Republican political agenda," and then placed a spinning plate atop a pole balanced on his chin.

Heroin Addict Better Off Than Poppy Farmer

NEW YORK—In spite of his debilitating addiction, junkie David Spellman is safer, warmer, healthier, and happier than nearly every poppy farmer in Afghanistan, sources reported Monday. "Mr. Spellman shoots up three times a day and squats in a filthy Bronx apartment, but at least he isn't slaving away in the Kabul poppy fields 18 hours a day before coming home to a meal of moldy bread in the tiny shack he shares with 14 relatives," said Dr. Terrence Arven, professor of sociology at NYU. "When Spellman finally decides to get clean, he'll have many options for counseling. The only support network available to a poppy farmer is the 'protection' of local warlords." When asked for a comment, Spellman curled up and vomited.

Schiavo's Right To Die

Last week, a judge gave Florida resident Michael Schiavo permission to remove the feeding tube of his brain-damaged wife Terri. What do you think?

New Bush Science Policies

Recently, scientists expressed concerns that scientific research is being stifled by the Bush administration. What are some of the areas of funded research that the Bush administration cited to counter the charges?

Getting A New Place Sucks!

Hola, amigos. What's the deal? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've been having a heaping helping of problems. First off, the bill collectors from the hospital have been on my ass about the money I owe them for fixing up my leg earlier this winter. I didn't have insurance, so I owe them a shitload. I told them I didn't have any money and they were going to have to open the cut they sewed up if they wanted any more blood from me. The way I figure it, I got a few months before they send it over to a collection agency. And, if I give them a hundred bucks or so, that'll buy even more time.

Thank God The Year Of The Monkey Is Over

Boy, that was some great New Year season this year. I suppose I shouldn't have drunk as much as I did at my friend's Lantern Festival, but I was in the mood to really cut loose. Everyone says the Year of the Monkey is the year of success, filled with unexpected opportunities for all. What a load of crap. The Year of the Monkey couldn't have ended fast enough for me.
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Horoscope for the week of March 2, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your ruthlessness in carrying out love-triangle arbitrage will earn you a fearsome reputation as a short-term emotional-bond trader.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Nothing you've been told will prepare you for the pain of childbirth, especially when your daughter bursts from your brow, decapitating you instantly.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    It's true that the best things in life are free, but you've never been the kind of person who demands quality.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    The ghost of Roger Troutman magically appears to you whenever you do something funky, which explains why you've seen him only once.
  • Leo

    Leo

    You thought pulling off the heist would be as easy as taking candy from a baby, but then you found out the four tons of fine imported Italian chocolates had to be kept at a constant temperature.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Upon your death this Friday, you'll find that entrance to heaven is granted only to members and those non-members who first agree to view a half-millennium sales presentation for condos in Elysium.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Many major changes are ahead for you this week, but you'll probably give most of your attention to the changes involving temperature, altitude, and brain activity.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You'll be overcome with a mixture of empathy and annoyance when you accidentally stumble into the closet where all the suppressed homosexuals hang out.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You have an irrefutable message concerning the importance of psychoactive drugs in personal development, but no one will heed your boring, hyper-rational lectures.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    In your quest for supremacy, you'll be accused of overlooking the human cost. But you'll know that's ridiculous—you've already spent well over $700.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Everyone is aware that you don't care what the people say, but that doesn't mean they'll listen when you tell them you're going to love them anyway.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Your willingness to gamble on extreme long shots is endearing, but you never should've bet your life savings on the Bears to win the 1986 world championship.
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