Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

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Vol 38 Issue 10

Atonal Composers Gather For Atony Awards

HOLLYWOOD, CA— The recording industry's top atonal composers gathered in Los Angeles Monday for the gala seventh annual Atony Awards. "Tonight is hostile music's biggest night," said Krzysztof Penderecki, nominee in the Most Dissonant Piece category. "I can't tell you what a thrill it is to be here, surrounded by so many legends of arrhythmic cacophony." The highlight of the evening is expected to be the awarding of the Olivier Messiaen Lifetime Achievement Award to Karlheinz Stockhausen for "more than five decades of aggressively impenetrable anti-music."

Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check

MURFREESBORO, TN— According to customers at Po' Boys Family Restaurant, waitress Melanie Bostic is only friendly when bringing the check. "About 10 minutes after I sat down, she walks over and says, 'Know whatcha want?' No 'hi' or anything," customer Bruce Banda said. "Then, when I'm done eating, all of a sudden I get a big smile and my name is 'Honey.'" Fellow customer Sandi Herzog agreed. "The placemats boast of Po' Boys' 'Famous Friendly Service,'" Herzog said. "That probably should say, 'Famous Curt, Inconsiderate Service Until We Want You To Pay And Leave.'"

SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time

NDEPENDENCE, MO— The murder trial of three Symbionese Liberation Army members is providing Americans with a nostalgic escape to a carefree, more innocent time. "Oh, man, Patty Hearst and the SLA. That takes me back to high school," said Ralph Henderson, 43, an Independence-area dentist. "Pet rocks, Jerry Ford jokes, small bands of kooky, disorganized terrorists shooting up local banks... Those were the days."

Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION— Decrying various unspecified aspects of the U.S. Shadow Government, an indeterminate number of Shadow Protesters gathered outside the organization's mountain retreat, sealed germ-free vault, or underground bunker, on Monday. "We unfortunately cannot comment on our feelings about the Shadow Government at this time," said an unnamed protester, neither confirming nor denying reports that he or she accused the Shadow Government of violating the U.S. Constitution. After 20 minutes of protest, the group was dispersed by members of the Shadow Secret Service, who used "means at their disposal."

Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It

HAYWARD, CA— Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported Monday. "This is the third store I've checked today," said a dejected Parekh, exiting a Toys "R" Us near his Hayward home. "Derrick, Diane, Dillon and Dylan, Dirk... no Dinesh." Parekh, who has pedaled his brand-new Schwinn to more than a dozen stores during his three-week search, said he plans to ask his mother to drive him to the KB Toys in San Leandro next weekend.

Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team

Hello, sir. I'm Rawlings, head of the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. Allow me to welcome you to the DSAL. I appreciate you coming from Zurich on such short notice. How was your flight? Yes, I know, the Concorde isn't all it's cracked up to be, but we needed you here fast. Time is of the essence. This is our car.

The Nuclear Response

Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option," President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries

    Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
  • Leo

    Leo

    By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
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