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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
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