Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
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