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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.

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