Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Family

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Race Relations

Horoscope for the week of March 20, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your excitement over the new arrival in your life is shattered when it is born with antlers.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The stars indicate that they have stepped out for a moment and will be back at 3 p.m., if the little clock on their door can be believed.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The men from the government will exercise a surprising amount of patience while explaining to you that income taxes are not determined by essay.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Those closest to you will continue to try and edge away as politely and quietly as possible.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    By all means, move confidently in the direction of your dreams, as long as that means spending a great deal of time asleep.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Your assumption that the dog doesn't know how funny he looks in the wig assumes a lot about canine intelligence, dignity, and sexuality.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your impassioned calls for equality between the races continue to go unheeded by the world's cetacean rulers.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    As much as you try to control your own destiny, the Hands of Fate will intervene several times next week, knocking you into puddles for their own amusement.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Recent events have strengthened your resolve to finally get around to burning all those bodies you've got lying around.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will feel clearer and more organized but somehow less vital when the story of your life is professionally copy-edited.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Your extremely trying week will not be improved by your decision to deal with all problems by leaning on the horn.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will successfully foil a secret plot to infiltrate your house and surprise you with birthday gifts, cake, and good wishes.
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