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Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.

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