Aries | March 21 to April 19
You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.
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