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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.

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