Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

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Vol 37 Issue 10

15,000 Years Of Human Artistic Endeavor Culminate In See Spot Run

HOLLYWOOD, CA–More than 15 millennia of human artistic endeavor, stretching back to the Lascaux cave paintings of the Magdalenian Age, have culminated in See Spot Run, the hit Warner Brothers comedy about a wacky mailman and on-the-lam pooch. "From the plays of Sophocles to the concertos of Bach, to the modernist breakthroughs of Martha Graham, for thousands of years, artistic expression has fed man's soul and united the human race," said Oxford University humanities professor Dr. Edmund Woolsey-Cooke. "See Spot Run, starring David Arquette and Leslie Bibb, is the logical endpoint–the apogee, if you will–of this cultural progression."

Congress Adds 'All Your Base Are Belong To Us' Amendment To Bankruptcy Bill

WASHINGTON, DC–Seeking to increase fiscal accountability among citizens who have no chance to survive make their time, the House of Representatives added an "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" amendment Monday to H.R. 333, the Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2001. "What you say!!!" shouted the bill's sponsor, Rep. George Gekas (R-PA), following the amendment's approval. "This bill will not only make debt-ridden Americans more accountable, but it has the added benefit of taking off every 'zig' for great justice." Opponents of the amendment protested that it would potentially set up U.S. the bomb.

Control Freak Wishes She Had More Free Time

CHICAGO–Leo Burnett advertising executive and control freak Suzanne Kreutz lamented her lack of free time Monday while reworking a Kellogg's print ad that a fellow executive just didn't nail. "God, I wish I could just go see a movie once in a while," said Kreutz, re-writing the perfectly good copy. "If this company didn't need me to keep it from flying apart at the seams, I could actually relax a little."

Preventing Military Mishaps

The U.S. military has committed numerous deadly blunders of late, including the accidental sinking of a Japanese fishing trawler and the bombing of the U.S. servicemen during a naval exercises in Kuwait. What measures are being taken in response?

How Real Is Reality TV?

Survivor and other reality-based TV shows have come under fire of late, with former participants charging that aspects of the programs are rigged. What do you think?

Hilarious Love Letter Found In Street

"Oh, my God, check it out," said Eastern Michigan junior Trent Meijer, excitedly reading the letter to fellow junior Matt Sweeney. "'You are like a feather floating in a sudden spring shower.' How friggin' funny is that?"

Don't Talk To Me About Problems

Hola, amigos. What's the deal behind your steering wheel? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had some shit to contend with. I was supposed to write this column last Wednesday, but I did a few too many one-hitters and wound up spending the whole afternoon trying to figure out what was making this horrible smell under my sink. I pulled out all the rusty tools and bottles of Windex from under it and wound up finding a dead mouse. I was like, "Shit! Mouse!" Then, I was like, "Shit! Dead thing!"
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries

    You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Leo

    Leo

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.
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