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Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.

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