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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of March 21, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You will find yourself torn between two lovers, one who is giving and kind and refuses to let you go, and another who chains you to the bumper of his truck.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    While it's true that deciding to begin is half the battle, the rest turns out to be a bloody contest of attrition in the treacherous Khyber Pass.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars thank you for your interest, but you do not fit their needs at this time. Good luck in future endeavors.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Your hatred of the strange and unfamiliar leads you to open hundreds of identical fast-food restaurants.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Sooner or later, you're going to have to stop and think about whose money it is, what the girl's name might be, what's in the bags of white powder, and why that helicopter sound keeps getting louder.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will be disproportionately rewarded for your ability to manipulate a standard-issue baseball.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Events that will eventually win you fame as the Human Tiddlywink are starting to come together in a Pittsburgh manhole-cover factory.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will never completely overcome your murderous rage at the people who turned an anti-corporate Devo song into an ad jingle for Target.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Look on the bright side: After the next four years, they probably won't elect another Republican in your lifetime.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Attempts to bring you to justice will ultimately prove fruitless, forcing justice to come to you with its own fruit.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the moon seems large in the night sky, you can cover it up with a nickel. However, this will cause an eclipse, so don't do it casually.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You will be worshipped as a god when you demonstrate your lighter to the natives, all of whom smoke but forgot to bring matches.
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