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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
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