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Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

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Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.

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