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Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of March 22, 2000

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.

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