Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your birthday this week will result in yet another disappointing and under-attended party.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
The combination of Mars and Venus in your sun sign indicates that love is in your future whether you can afford it or not.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Beware of being influenced by the Moon in this phase of your life. That lunar bastard has his agents everywhere!
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Be careful when your most fundamental beliefs are called into question. You know what Jesus told you no matter what the doctors say.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Remember, rules weren't written for people like you. They were written specifically to exclude people like you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Although the Sun, Mercury, and Jupiter are all in Virgo this week, you shouldn't be alarmed. That's just the kind of thing you'd expect from that slut Virgo.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Libra is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant parole.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will take a journey of a great distance off a short pier this week.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The benevolent healing powers of Earth magic are currently very strong in Sagittarius. However, in you, they're barely worth mentioning.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Try to live a simpler and easier existence this week. After this week, though, go right back to indulging your every whim.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Stand up for what you believe in this week. Join the million-Aquarius march for greater Zodiacal representation.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll find yourself up the creek without a paddle this week, but take heart: Paddles are available for purchase at any decent sporting-goods store.
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