Aries | March 21 to April 19
While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Your lover continues to insist you're giving mixed signals, despite the fact that you're standing on the bed naked while gesturing toward your genitals with air-traffic-control flashlights.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
You never thought you'd be the type to have a big family, but upon awakening from your decade-long coma, you'll discover that the asylum doctors have begotten seven children on your defenseless body.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
It's true that the blood of kings flows in your veins, but the kings are those of Siding, and their reign is specific to Decatur.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
This will be a spectacular week for unusual physical feats of romance in the workplace, which might have something to do with your getting fired.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Saturn rising in your sign this week doesn't mean you'll make a good lawyer, but your eloquent insistence on the fact will convince most everyone.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You're never going to be named Miss Congeniality, but only because the title is so valued that a certain amount of wheeling and dealing has sullied the purity of the judging.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
A feeling of increased personal freedom and greater privacy will wash over you this week when a heretofore unnoticed guy named Wally up and moves out of your apartment.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Thousands of horseback-riding Mongols will trample you to death so quickly that you'll never learn why they were dragging the Goodyear blimp with tow ropes tied to their saddles.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You'll agonize at length over being forced to choose between two beautiful women, giving them time to formulate and execute an escape plan.
WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION