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Horoscope for the week of March 23, 2005

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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Horoscope for the week of March 23, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your lover continues to insist you're giving mixed signals, despite the fact that you're standing on the bed naked while gesturing toward your genitals with air-traffic-control flashlights.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought you'd be the type to have a big family, but upon awakening from your decade-long coma, you'll discover that the asylum doctors have begotten seven children on your defenseless body.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that the blood of kings flows in your veins, but the kings are those of Siding, and their reign is specific to Decatur.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a spectacular week for unusual physical feats of romance in the workplace, which might have something to do with your getting fired.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn rising in your sign this week doesn't mean you'll make a good lawyer, but your eloquent insistence on the fact will convince most everyone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're never going to be named Miss Congeniality, but only because the title is so valued that a certain amount of wheeling and dealing has sullied the purity of the judging.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A feeling of increased personal freedom and greater privacy will wash over you this week when a heretofore unnoticed guy named Wally up and moves out of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Thousands of horseback-riding Mongols will trample you to death so quickly that you'll never learn why they were dragging the Goodyear blimp with tow ropes tied to their saddles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll agonize at length over being forced to choose between two beautiful women, giving them time to formulate and execute an escape plan.

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