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Horoscope for the week of March 23, 2005

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Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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Horoscope for the week of March 23, 2005

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    While on a pilgrimage, you and two dozen other travelers will stop for the night at a roadside inn, where you'll all agree to pass the time by telling stories about your jobs as carpet salespeople.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Your lover continues to insist you're giving mixed signals, despite the fact that you're standing on the bed naked while gesturing toward your genitals with air-traffic-control flashlights.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You never thought you'd be the type to have a big family, but upon awakening from your decade-long coma, you'll discover that the asylum doctors have begotten seven children on your defenseless body.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    It's true that the blood of kings flows in your veins, but the kings are those of Siding, and their reign is specific to Decatur.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This will be a spectacular week for unusual physical feats of romance in the workplace, which might have something to do with your getting fired.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Saturn rising in your sign this week doesn't mean you'll make a good lawyer, but your eloquent insistence on the fact will convince most everyone.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    You'll both make and ruin a ton of cash when you invent Wallet Bacon, the tasty, crispy bacon that cooks up in minutes in one's wallet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You're never going to be named Miss Congeniality, but only because the title is so valued that a certain amount of wheeling and dealing has sullied the purity of the judging.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    A feeling of increased personal freedom and greater privacy will wash over you this week when a heretofore unnoticed guy named Wally up and moves out of your apartment.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Thousands of horseback-riding Mongols will trample you to death so quickly that you'll never learn why they were dragging the Goodyear blimp with tow ropes tied to their saddles.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You'll agonize at length over being forced to choose between two beautiful women, giving them time to formulate and execute an escape plan.

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