Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This is an illusion. Make good use of your time, Buddy Boy.


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