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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This is an illusion. Make good use of your time, Buddy Boy.

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