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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This is an illusion. Make good use of your time, Buddy Boy.
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