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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 1999

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    At long last, you finally achieve total domination of the woodwind section of the Berlin Philharmonic.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Don't worry: There's nothing wrong with your outlook, career plans or enormous set of antlers.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    All your deepest hopes and dreams will finally come true this week for someone other than yourself.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Long airplane, car or boat trips may signal travel for adventurous Cancer this week.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    This would be a bad time to discontinue your practice of firing several warning shots through every closed door you encounter.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    This is your time: Stop even pretending to be the selfless, giving person everyone knows you’re not.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Fortune passes everywhere this week. However, it passes you so quickly that you may be badly hurt.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    It would be best if you didn't leave the house this week. Candice Bergen is still out there, and she has a long, long memory.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    The stars have seen you gazing up at them, and they now answer your unspoken question: Yes, they are real.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Contrary to the predictions of several experts, you will actually find it rather simple to breed in captivity.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Take time out to consider your own mortality this week, but be sure to do it before your Friday-morning train ride.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    This is an illusion. Make good use of your time, Buddy Boy.

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