Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

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Recent News

Frenzied Trump Supporters Admit They’d Be Just As Happy Tearing Him To Pieces

‘We’re Just Mad And Want To Destroy Something,’ Say Candidate’s Backers

WASHINGTON—Saying they simply needed something to direct their anger toward, the nation’s frenzied Donald Trump supporters admitted Thursday that, if circumstances were different, they would be just as happy tearing the Republican frontrunner to pieces.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."