Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

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Vol 40 Issue 12

New York Times Seeks Court Order To Remove Tuesdays With Morrie From Bestseller List

NEW YORK—The New York Times announced Monday that it will seek a court order to have Mitch Albom's book of discussions between himself and his dying mentor, Tuesdays With Morrie, forcibly removed from the paperback non-fiction bestseller list. "We've tolerated the old dead guy's ramblings for the past 66 weeks," Times Sunday books-section editor Mel Constantine said. "But now it's simply gotta go. I want Morrie out of my list—permanently." Should the order be successful, the book's slot on the list will be replaced by a line urging readers to donate to the Fresh Air Fund.

Reality Show Slowly Sinks In

EAST LANSING, MI—Though she'd lived in denial for nearly a month, toy-store manager Ellen Cranmer admitted Monday that the reality show The Apprentice has finally sunk in. "Normally I never watch those stupid reality shows, and I certainly don't integrate them into my regular week," Cranmer said. "But since around the time of the Trump Ice challenge, I've been passing on social events so I can be home Thursdays at 9 p.m." Cranmer said that she was shocked when she realized she hadn't missed a single episode, and saddened by her belief that Amy will win.

Psychic Helps Police Waste Valuable Time

MANCHESTER, NH—More than 36 hours after the disappearance of 13-year-old Heather Jordan, Manchester police hired local psychic Lynette Mure-Davis to help waste their valuable time Monday. "I see a river... and along the banks is an outcropping with five lilac bushes," said Mure-Davis, who then paused a full 90 seconds to "collect vibrations" from Jordan's scarf. "I also see a man... tall, but stocky, wearing... a hat. And an animal, perhaps a dog." As of press time, Jordan was still trapped under a collapsed utility shed three blocks west of her house.

Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar

ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family's half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town's sporting-goods store Sunday. "Pops dropped me off at Dunham's before baseball practice so I could buy something with my hard-earned money," Mink said. "I kinda wanted a baseball glove, but that was almost $40. A new bat was, like, $65. Even a batting glove was more than $10." The teen finally found a wristband for $3.99, but he was unable to afford sales tax on the item after reserving one dollar for his bus fare home.

Stewart's Prison Sentence

The nation awaits Martha Stewart's June 17 sentencing, which will reveal how much time she spends in prison. What do you think?

You Are No Longer Welcome In The Homer Reading Group

Sorry I'm late. The Gustav Mahler Jugendsymphonie is in town, and I was held back by the conductor, Claudio Abbado—terrible bore, please don't tell I said. But enough about that. Did everyone enjoy the reading of... Wait. What are you doing here? Did you not receive my phone message of 1:43 a.m. Tuesday last? Oh, you received it. Then, as you well know, you are no longer welcome in the Homer reading group.

I Hit The Dead-Wife Insurance Jackpot!

Last week, I was Maxwell Linden, lab technician. I was four long years from retirement, sharing a cramped little A-frame with my wife, and driving a Lincoln Mercury seriously in need of a new transmission. Today, call me Mr. Linden, widower extraordinaire. Along with my wife Leah, my financial troubles are gone forever. Even though her life-insurance payout was only $250,000, I feel like a million bucks!
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries

    Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
  • Libra

    Libra

    It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."
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