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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."

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