Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."