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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Horoscope for the week of March 24, 2004

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Both your mind and a locomotive run on rails, are difficult to maintain, and make chugging noises, but after that, the analogy starts to break down.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You were right about the existence of a 10th planet, but don't be smug: Your claims about a race of cat-women who thirst for your seed was way off.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    Mark Twain said moving house twice equals one house fire, so it looks like Fate owes you a couple house moves.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Arguments over the relative merits of football and soccer are rendered moot next week, when aliens challenge us to a bizarre hybrid of both games with the fate of the earth at stake.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The surgeons are unclear on exactly why you need a titanium plate implanted in your ass, but hey... gift horses.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    A fateful chess match with Death looms in your future, so you might want to replace that tacky Star Trek chess set.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    It won't really do you any good, but it's very stirring nonetheless when you remember the Alamo, the Maine, and Pearl Harbor during your audit.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    The principle of entropy says that all systems tend toward disorder, so just think of what happens to your legs next week as a natural, universal constant.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You're tired of all these narrow escapes with your life, so next week's gas-truck accident will be sort of a relief.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    It's often a mistake to try and make learning fun, as you'll prove next week during your combined fireworks-safety/defensive-driving demonstration.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You may think your life is due for big changes, but the unknowable cosmic forces in control of your fate don't.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    An important warning sticker will be missing this week. The stars can't tell you where it should be, but it should say "Caution: Rotating Knives."
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