Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.