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Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

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How Fashion Trends Arise

With the growing popularity of “fast fashion,” or designs that move quickly from the runway to retail chains, many wonder how their favorite styles first arise. The Onion breaks down the process step by step

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.
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Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.

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