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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.
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