Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

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How To Reform The Nation’s Prison System

With pressing issues such as overcrowding, overuse of solitary confinement, and the long-term incarceration of nonviolent offenders, many critics of the nation’s prison system are calling for sweeping reforms. Here are some of the proposals to improve the prison system:

Sight Of 400 War Elephants On Horizon Marks Hillary Clinton’s Arrival In Swing State

WHEELING, OH—Feeling the earth shake beneath them as they watched the procession climb over the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains toward their village, sources along the Ohio border confirmed Thursday that the sight of 400 war elephants marching on the horizon marked Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s arrival to the critical swing state.

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.