Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

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Vol 33 Issue 11

Olympic Speed Skater Thinking About Maybe Taking Out The Garbage

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—U.S. Olympic speed skater Jared Wells, 24, who placed sixth in the 500-meter sprint at last month's Nagano Games, is reportedly thinking about maybe taking out the garbage. "Yeah, those pizza boxes are really starting to pile up there," said Wells, speaking from his living-room couch. "I guess I should take care of that. But first I'm gonna finish building this house made out of Entertainment Weekly subscription-card inserts."

Governor Pardons Self For Living

LANSING, MI—Michigan governor John Engler issued a formal pardon to himself for living Tuesday. "Like, excuse me for living, okay?" read the four-page pardon, which absolves Engler from all culpability in his own existence. "I guess I'm not God. Hope that's okay with everybody." The sneering, sarcastic tone of the gubernatorial pardon is believed to be a reaction to the widespread criticism leveled at Engler in recent weeks, including a Lansing News-Clarion editorial calling him "Governor Lame-o" and a report by Detroit's NBC-TV affiliate suggesting that he "get half a clue." "I am sooo sorry I didn't live up to your expectations," Engler said.

Ganymede Totalled In Three-Moon Pileup

PALO ALTO, CA—Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory are citing "lunar error" as the cause of the three-moon pileup that totalled Ganymede and severely dented Callisto and Europa Monday, causing an estimated $700 quadrillion in damage. "Apparently, a comet passed within Saturn's orbit just ahead of Callisto," Observatory associate director Charles Rayburn said, "causing Callisto to swerve and lose control, colliding with Europa and creating a pileup which Ganymede struck from behind." None of the three moons were insured.

Area Grandparents Still Have No Idea What Grandson Does For A Living

BOSTON—Sources confirmed Monday that Walter and Nancy Brandt, grandparents of Boston-area systems consultant Charles Brandt, 31, still do not have the slightest idea what their grandson does for a living. "We are very proud of our Charles," said Nancy, 82. "Whatever he does in that job of his, I'm sure it's very impressive." Said Walter: "I think what Charles does is make sure companies have enough computers and employees so that they can—oh, I haven't a clue." The couple also has no idea what their granddaughter, Erica Haselrig, a Lodi, NJ, human-resources supervisor, does for a living.

Sudanese Youths Go Wild For Great Taste Of Any Food Whatsoever

KHARTOUM, SUDAN—In the biggest fad to sweep Sudan's thrill-seeking teens since 1994's "extreme thirst" craze, youths in this Northeast African nation are going wild for the great taste of any food whatsoever. The new "absolutely anything edible" fad is reflected in current Sudanese youth fashions, dominated by neon-colored, zebra-striped hats and shirts featuring slogans like, "Do you have any food?" and "I am extremely hungry." Sociologist Gavin Werner of Tufts University explained the craze: "For these young people, such fads are a way of setting themselves apart from their parents and forging a generational identity of their own. They are also starving to death and must obtain food if they are to live much longer."

Appeasing The Ignorant Masses

So, my despised arch-enemy and rival in the news-paper trade William Randolph Hearst thinks he can single-handedly stop The Onion dead in its tracks by putting that vulgar "Yellow-Kid" comical drawing panel in his New-York Journal?

It's True (Or Drew) Love!

Item! Has heavyweight funnyman Drew Carrey finally found love? According to my reliable sources, he sure has! The grapevine tells me that Carrey has been spotted about town on the arm of the redheaded woman from that Brooke Shields show. To date, they've gone bowling, eaten pizza–hold the anchovies!–and taken in a movie. Honestly, I can't think of a better match than those two. I mean, can you imagine the jokes? Oh, to be a fly on the wall on one of their dates!

Ask A Wiccan

Morganna Goldenwand is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Wiccan, appears in over three newspapers nationwide. She is also the author of Tread Lightly: A Guide To The Sacred Woodland Glades Of Upper Illinois, and has just released a CD, Blessed Morning!, a collection of Celtic chants accompanied by crystal Tibetan singing bowls.
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Horoscope for the week of March 25, 1998

  • Aries

    Aries

    A difficult period in your personal life prompts an outpouring of advice from family and friends. However, you will be strangely unmotivated to "go for the gold."
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    Communication in your marriage will come to a sudden end this week. This is because you and your spouse are extremely boring people who have run out of things to discuss.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    The stars indicate that you should not take any advice this week, unless it’s rooted in hard, scientific fact.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Jesus Christ appears to you in a vision and explains that, while He did not die for your particular sins, He still finds them rather interesting.
  • Leo

    Leo

    The stars realize that you do the things you do to gain the attention and affection of your peers. However, that is not an acceptable reason to make so many Cub Scouts suffer so horribly.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    It's time you stopped lying to yourself: Though you have long claimed to be a jazz-loving beatnik, you are, in fact, a tribal-drumming hippie.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your zany sales-floor antics and shenanigans inspire your co-workers behind the cellular-phone counter to bestow upon you the nickname "Crazy Digital Russell."
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    You finally reject Western science-worship this week and attempt to convince yourself that there is a third eye on your forehead.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    You emerge from a week-long alcoholic blackout to discover that you are Meatloaf at the height of his commercial and artistic success.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    You will be recognized by Time magazine as the person who put the "club" back in Rotary Club.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    Though the purpose of the universe's motions is to shape your destiny, nothing will happen to you this week.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    You have not heard from that guy Andrew in over three weeks, but neither has his parole officer.
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