Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

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Vol 39 Issue 11

Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Appalled By Captor's Basement

NEW YORK—According to Monday's New York Post, hotel heiresses Paris and Nicky Hilton are aghast over the condition of the basement of their kidnapper, William Henry Buntz. "My sources tell me that Paris and Nicky are bound-and-gagging over the less-than-tony trappings," Post Page Six gossip columnist Richard Johnson wrote. "Sources say their crazed captor has creeping crud and crawling centipedes in his cellar... and it's got the spoiled socialites in a snit!" As of press time, police have made no attempt to locate the sisters.

Prescription-Drug Safety

When taking prescription drugs, it is vital to be fully informed about proper usage. Here are some helpful hints to ensure your safety:

You And Me And Baby Minus Me Makes Two

Honey, a miracle has happened—you've got a bun in the oven. How wonderful! Before long, this family is going to be bigger by none. After all, you and me and baby minus me makes two.

Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle

IRAQ-KUWAIT BORDER—As the U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Division began its ground assault on Iraq Monday, President Bush marched alongside the front-line soldiers, bravely putting his own life on the line for his country by personally participating in the attack.

Media Coverage Of The War

Across the nation, citizens are glued to their TV sets for war coverage. What do you think of the job the media are doing?

Casual Sex Surprisingly Formal

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—After several hours of drunken Spring Break revelry Monday, Ron Viselic, 19, and Becky Pell, 18, returned to Pell's motel room for surprisingly formal casual sex. "We were laughing and doing body shots at the bar, but when we got back to my room, things turned all businesslike," Pell said. "He kept asking me if it was okay to take off each piece of clothing, then he wouldn't do anything but missionary." Following the methodical, strangely businesslike intercourse, Viselic and Pell spent five minutes "spooning" before Viselic dressed and left.

U.S. Forms Own U.N.

WASHINGTON, DC—Frustrated with the UN’s procedural policies, the United States formed its own international governing body.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Energy

Comfort

  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries

    You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini

    You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
  • Cancer

    Cancer

    Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
  • Leo

    Leo

    They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo

    You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
  • Libra

    Libra

    Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio

    Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius

    About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn

    Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius

    The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces

    Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.
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