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Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.

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