Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.


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