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Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.

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