Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

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Details Of Obama’s Climate Change Plan

President Obama unveiled Monday a plan to increase the country’s clean power usage that many are calling the strongest action ever taken by a U.S. president to combat the effects of climate change. Here are some key details of Obama’s climate change plan

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

House and Home

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

Originality

Horoscope for the week of March 26, 2003

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    You'll prove an unwritten law of travel when your postcards arrive a week after your coffin is flown back.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    It's not the hammer of life that's going to beat you down this week, but the hammer of Gene Dubrowski, a local roofer.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    You will nearly drown when your classically educated mother submerges you in the Ohio River to give you invincibility.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    Rocket skates, giant magnets, and anvils are all well and good, but as the new president of Acme, you're expected to come up with the next Swiffer.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    They said they'd be right back after those important messages, but the messages weren't all that important and it's been almost 14 years.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    You will gain a much greater understanding of what makes women tick when you take one apart and study her in minute detail.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your constant whining about your shoeless condition will continue unabated even after you see a man who has no feet.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    Your life takes a sudden aggressive and violent turn when you start asking yourself how General Patton would handle workplace conflicts.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    About this upcoming Thursday: Let that be a lesson to you about whom you loan power tools, money, and gasoline.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    Those you love most will soon gather together with you and ask a judge to put you away for as long as the law allows.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    The older you get, the more you're convinced that we were all put in this retirement home for a reason.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Learn to appreciate the little joys that life provides, as three days won't give you much time for the big joys.