Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.


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