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Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.

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