Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.