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Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Superfoods: Myth Vs. Fact

Though the media often heralds certain foods as cancer-fighting or immune-building, many of these claims don’t hold up to scientific scrutiny. The Onion separates the myths from the facts regarding so-called superfoods

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.
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Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.

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