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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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Horoscope for the week of March 27, 2002

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.
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