Aries | March 21 to April 19
Powers beyond your control will soon determine your fate while you wait patiently in the car.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
When your plane crashes in the Andes, you will be forced to eat the flight crew, making you glad you chose to fly Succulent Pig Airlines.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
That old saying about cowards dying a thousand deaths while heroes die but once will occur to you at an extremely apt moment.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
There are a million reasons you shouldn't give up hope of ever finding love. None of them, however, are very good.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
You will be shocked and embarrassed when the arresting officers inform you that cockfighting is supposed to involve chickens.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Virgo is proud to introduce the 2003 Horoscopes, boasting twice the horsepower and 30 percent more rear-seat legroom.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Your mother's advice will fail you when you start carefully sounding out the hard words during a speech before the House Subcommittee For Military Appropriations.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You will undergo a profound personal change that results in you finally paying your phone bill, if you know what's good for you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Forces are being set in motion that will forever change the way you look at microwaveable Mexican dinners.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
The gods of justice say they will hear your petition just as soon as they have finished discussing the designated-hitter rule.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will experience deep spiritual vertigo when you realize there is nothing else in the world you want to buy.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Though there is a patron saint of being finely minced, you remember his name far too late.
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