Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.
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