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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.

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