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20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

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