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Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Horoscope for the week of March 28, 2001

  • Aries

    Aries | March 21 to April 19

    Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
  • Taurus

    Taurus | April 20 to May 20

    You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
  • Gemini

    Gemini | May 21 to June 20

    The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
  • Cancer

    Cancer | June 21 to July 22

    You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
  • Leo

    Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

    The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
  • Virgo

    Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

    Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
  • Libra

    Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

    When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
  • Scorpio

    Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

    There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
  • Sagittarius

    Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

    A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
  • Capricorn

    Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

    You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
  • Aquarius

    Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

    You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
  • Pisces

    Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

    Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.

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