Aries | March 21 to April 19
Stop worrying so much about what your friends think. You should only care about the opinions of decent people.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
You pride yourself on learning something new every day, but next Wednesday will provide you with a greater education in primate anatomy and high-energy physics than you really wanted.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The monsters that rampage through your slumber party will be different from the ones that terrorized Party Beach just a few days ago.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You might be feeling down about your choice of careers this week, but look on the bright side: You're still the best deal in town.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
The story of your life turns out to be a ripoff of Donald Westlake's 1975 crime-caper novel Two Much!
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Just keep telling the officers "No hablo Ingles." Unless they're Mexican. In that case, run.
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
When the girl you picked up at the bar said she could "peel a banana with it," she was actually talking about the Peelerator, a handy, labor-saving device she sells out of her bedroom.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
There's just something about you that screams gay. But that's okay, as it's your voice, and you're doing it on purpose.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A word of advice: Though drywall cement is a substance, it is not the kind that can be abused.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You've always thought that kicking the tires on used cars was smart, but next week you'll encounter a dealer who fills them with nitroglycerine.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You just don't have time for any so-called "rocking" song that doesn't have cowbell-banging in the chorus.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Two-time Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon will call you at home next Thursday to inform you that he has no intention of ever portraying you.
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